Saturday, 4 December 2010

Day 2 - My first love

Hmmm. Now how do we define "First love"?

I believe every time we fall in love, its different.

Every love makes us feel differently.

The excitement of falling in love feels like its the first time. Therefore every love is the first.

So I'll give you a basic run down of all of my firsts.

My very first - chronologically was when I was in Nursery (about 4) and was called Anthony. He was my "boyfriend" and we would hold hands in the playground. Then by the time I got up to junior school, (about 7) he was in the year above me. And my best friend Kayleigh told me how much she liked him. I never had the heart to tell her I got there first! (Unless  of course your now reading this Kayleigh....sorry)

My first boyfriend where we actually called each other boyfriend and girlfriend - and even said "I love you" was Phillip. We were both in Junior school and he was a year older than me. We were about 9 and 10 and would play at each others houses and our parents would take us to the cinema and stuff. He was adorable! Then he moved away, I cant even remember where. I have some photos on my mums computer that I'll add later.

My first love as a teenager lasted all of a month or so. I was 15 and he was 16. (Me and older men...) At the time it seemed to be so much longer and much more intense than that, I look back now and think "wow it was only a month?".

My first love as an "adult" (well older teenager anyway) and the first that I define as intense enough to actually be "proper love" was unrequited. I probably shouldn't go into too much detail because even now I don't know how much he knows and I'd be mortified for it all to come out now. Although everyone else we knew, knew (I'm not exactly good at hiding my feelings) so he must've done. Anyway even when I was with my first (see below) I was still madly in love with this boy. And if I'm honest right up until a couple of years ago I always thought "What if...?"

My first love that I was actually in a relationship with was...meh. Lol, that sounds awful but I honestly dont have much more to say than that. All I can ever think is..."why?" They say women go for men like their dads. Hopefully that was the only one ever that vaguely resembled my father in personality!

My first as a "proper grown up" when I started learning life's lessons and more about myself was what I thought would be the one. We were SOO different and we thought we were each others yin and yang - we balanced each other out. Turns out we were just too different. The story as to why that one ended is far too long and complicated to put on a public blog.

There's a couple of others in there I may have thought I loved or was in love with but I probably wasn't. There's a couple I wish I hadn't been, but you cant change the past can you?

And finally - My first love that I finally feel I can be myself with. The one that honestly knows and understands me. Who wants to know me better than I know myself. Who despite 5000 miles is willing to show me each and every day how much he loves me and cares. The one that I really do feel right and complete with. That I know everything will be ok with. My Snowflake. I'm not very good at talking about how I feel without it sounding sappy so I'm just going to end by saying I truly hope he will be my last first love.

We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love is our first.

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Let me know what you think of this ramble :)