Saturday, 14 January 2012

Tuesday just gone

I didn't even realise what this Tuesday just gone was until today. Funny really when I thought that would be a really hard day. Turned out it was, but not in the nostalgic bittersweet way I thought. It was just a day where I was so angry.

I guess I've kinda accepted what your feelings towards me were. It saddens me to think that it probably wasn't as deep or as special as I thought. I feel foolish for believing that it was. But I've come to terms with it - for the most part. The bit I haven't come to terms with is if you realise what my feelings were.

I wasn't on the rebound, I was in a stable place in my own life, I was ready to love and care and commit and I did so, so deeply. And what saddens me is that you perhaps don't realise how much you were loved. Because I refuse to feel foolish about loving, and I refuse to be ashamed to say I felt what I felt. Being hurt and going through all that pain would be worth it if I could take away from it that you knew there was someone that would have done anything in the Universe for you. So that I know it wasn't all for nothing. Then perhaps I will be able to fully move forward.

But I need to try and not kid myself that thats going to happen. My biggest flaw is giving people too much credit. And maybe it is a flaw....but I would like to think that the rest of the world can believe in me as much as I believe in it.

So I'll go forward on my merry way; trusting, believing, loving, having faith, being uncynical and always looking for the best in people. And maybe one day soon I can have someone return that faith to me.

Or at very least I can travel that path knowing that I'm doing everything I can - even if it's not always appreciated.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Hello 2012!

Happy New Year everyone! 

I've got good feelings about 2012 on the whole. Sure I thought it was going to be a very different kind of year from the one it will turn out to be. Certain adventures I thought would happen now will not. But maybe other ones will instead. Regardless of where I thought it would go. The time will pass none the less and I plan to try and only have good feelings for the year as a whole.

To be honest its not got off to the best of starts. Nothing major events wise - just where my head and hearts been at. Not in the best of places, or the most positive of frames for the start of a new year to be perfectly honest with you gentle reader. (What is that from...? Series of Unfortunate Events?)

But....there's little things that make me smile. That make it easier. That help me weather the tougher moments. Sure some of them may not all be smart, but in life we cant always be smart. Sometimes we have to be a bit mad.

So I would like to propose a toast: "To smiles and to friendship. To talking, laughing and not worrying. To taking risks. And to having the guts to do something a little bit mad every now and again."