On this, Christmas night, one of the most holy/special/poignatnt times of the year my mind turns to Faith. Whilst I have never affiniated myself with any particular religion or deity, there are some imoprtant thing in this world that I have always had faith in.
I have faith in loyalty, honesty, friendship and laughter. Faith in love, kindness and above all - in humankind. Faith that no matter how bad things can seem, these traits remain a solid foundation in our lives and if we can hold strong in our belief in them, and have actions that prove them - the world will always seem a little brighter.
The one thing in that list that I have always held most dear is love. Now love is all encompassing but above all I have always believed in love conqueringg all. And in true selfless love not only exisiting but showing itself to us when we are ready. Call me idealistic, call me naive - I believe in in and my belief in it makes my heart sing.
And so the most terrifying thought to me over the last few months, has been the concern that I would lose my faith in love. And in turn, because I had had my faith so harshly tested - begin to lose faith in everything else.
I'm not going to lie to you dear readers - I came close. All too close. So close it scared me. But I held on to a tiny little glimmer of hope and belief in the goodness of the world.
And what happened next restored my faith in everything I had before tenfold. I've told you before that I can never adequately thank my friends and family for the last few months. Not for any particularly huge gestures or actions, but for the millions of tiny ones that filled my heart every day.
For every text, offer of a cup of coffee, heartfelt concerned PM, every hug and every giggle about something completely unrelated - I am so thankful. Because not only did I feel cared for in my time of need, but I have never felt more loved in all my life.
And on top of that, I asked the universe to allow me not to lose faith in the ability to find love. To someday find an intelligent partner, someone that cares, someone that could make me smile. I asked the universe to try and ensure that this setback didnt turn my life onto a path of loneliness in a house with a hundred cats and no hair products. And it even had the ability to ensure I did not lose faith in that either.
So in a funny way my faith in faith alone has given me new reasons to smile, to be positive, to laugh and to have a little twinkle in my eye at the thoughts of new possibilities.
And so, as I settle down to sleep and prepare for Christmas 2011, I would like to send a little message of thanks to every single person that has touched my life. I truly hope you all have faith in something. Whether it be religion, science or love, believe in something bigger. Because in the words of George Michael...You gotta have Faith!
And thank you to the Universe. In things bigger than me, in little signs that show me the world is a good place to be, and for giving me the strength, positivity and love to celebrate Christmas day with loved ones tomorrow.
Before I start I need to just apologise for the mess of this blog at the moment. I want a cool layout, and I'm loving the desk/notebook/scrabook/pinboard look (I've always loved that sort of stuff) but I dont know enough HTML to make my own, and the templates I've downloaded need tweaking.
If your HTML savvy and have some spare time - feel free to design me something awesome and I will love you forever! Anyways....moving on.
Human emotions....they're a funny old thing arnt they?
I think the thing I'm finding weirdest at the moment, is how many different emotions I am currently able to hold in my heart, and how much I swing from one to the next.
How is it possible to feel so insanely blessed and surrounded by love and people that care, yet feel so lonely and isolated from people who should care?
How can I go from insanely happy, embracing life and looking at the positives, to thinking the world is insane and wondering what is WRONG with some people and their lack of logic let alone compassion and empathy?
And how....someone please tell me how.....a heart has enough room for love, sadnesss and anger all at the same person and THEN, as if that wasn't enough conflicting emotion to contain at once, also have the space for a little glimmer of a smile edging in at the corner? A completely unrelated smile. A smile that makes you forget everything else for a few short hours. Only to have pain come flying out of left field when making a cup of tea and remembering a lost memory that never happened?
Right now he should've been boarding a plane to begin a new life here. Instead I've fought to be added back on Facebook (or all things) so logistics and clear up of things can be arranged...oh how times change.
But the thing is...I think I'm figuring something out.
I knew you. I REALLY really knew you. I knew you better than I have ever known anyone in my whole life. The woman that values her friends and family above all else sometimes cant work out her own sister, or know when her best friend is hurting or why. But this woman knew every thing about you. Could always work out why you said what you said or did what you did...and not just "why" but the whole back story and thought process on it.
I'm not sure if I ever even know that much about myself....
And thats on top of the selfless, unconditional love that I gave to him. I had always thought I knew about love. But I didnt. I learnt a lot with him. A lot about how loving someone is working together, giving and giving because you want to - not because your expected to or because you expect it back. But because by giving your all: your love and affection, kindness and passion to that person makes you happy because your being everything you can for them. Safe in the knowledge that it'll come back to you, but that not being the reason why.
And I think now whats hurting me....is that instead of being proud of myself. Proud of allowing myself to grow and put someone else first, and love unconditionally and without selfishness...I'm hating myself. Hating that it was all for nothing, all wasted, and worst of all - probably all unappreciated.
And I REALLY shouldnt hate myself. Its not my fault that you dont want it; dont want me. But I hate that I pride myself on my judgement of character, that I defended you so unrelentingly, (but also without needing to - I wasnt defensive, I just accepted and loved you for you and therefore everyone else did too) and I was so so wrong.
Not wrong because it ended, or because of what you did. But for how your continuing to allow it to end.
You meant so much to me, I always thought that you would hold onto a small piece of my heart. Not a big bit, not an important bit that would stop me moving on and loving someone else. But a small little corner would always be yours, and when occasionally my mind strayed to that corner, it would smile wistfully at everything that we shared, remember the good times and be thankful that they happened before carrying on with my life again. And I wanted that so that I knew that the love we had, and what I gave you was unconditional and selfless and meant something.
But you've done so much and ended it so harshly over and over again, I cant even have that. I'll now always look back on the first time I loved someone so honestly and freely and truly with anger and hatred. Which flies clear in the face of what the love was. And that taints it more than your cruelty ever could.
I hope your happy with that. I hope your proud of your ability to damage and destroy even the most pure of things. You have the luxury of never doubting for a second that you were loved and cared for. You were told it every single day (even if you chose not to hear it) and in varying formats you've heard it consistenty since. Whereas I am left to question and doubt everything I was, everything I gave and everything I was told. Thats not a nice position to be in. All I can say is I'm glad I'm strong and have amazing friends and family around me. Because it would have totally broken a lesser woman than me.
Here's to strong women, and having the power to not even let ourselves destroy us - let alone the men we gave our hearts to.
I was engaged, to my best friend in the whole world. To the one person I believed would always be by my side, be there for me. And most of all - always laugh with me.
I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to always talk to about my day, to share the random inner workings of my mind with. To act goofy with. Whether it was impersonating sitcom characters, singing idiotic songs or dressing up in drag and going to the Rocky Horror Picture show with.
Right now I miss him, not our relationship, but our friendship. He said we hadn't been "friends" for a long time, that we'd lost that. And I miss that so much. It feels so lonely.
And right now I have some of the BEST girlfriends a gal could ever ask for. The last week with Megs was easily one of the best vacations ever. She definitely saved me from getting lost in my own head and solitude, she made me laugh and remember what it is to have fun again. I'm honored that I was able to stand with her on her wedding day and watch her marry her best friend. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed and I feel so touched to have been there. Becca is dealing with a lot of stuff herself and she has still been able to offer me her continual owl-like wisdom, encouragement and smiles. Not to mention all of my many many amazing friends who have made sure I know they are there for me and only a phone call, skype or coffee away. I hope they all know how special they are to me.
But somehow (and I dont mean to sound ungreatful in the slightest, because I could never put into words the love and appreciation I have to every single one of these special people) its not quite the same. Your partner will and always should be your best friend, the person that isnt going anywhere and will support and defend you beyond all others. I dont ever claim to be abe to rival my McMuppett consorts, nor would I want to (unless they ever hurt them. In which case hell hath no fury. But my McMuppetts have very excellent taste and judgement and I couldnt in a million years imagine either consort even dreaming of hurting their beloveds) And I thought I'd found mine. But it turns out I hadn't. And that thought is so lonely and saddening its almost overwhelming.
And I keep being told that I deserve better, and that the right person is out there. But its so hard to believe that. Only because I cant picture them y'know? Anytime I picture my best friend, the person that will always cuddle me at the end of a long day and make me giggle by doing something silly...I picture him.
Except...its the him he used to be. And the us we used to be. Because he's not there anymore. I dont know what happened, what changed. But the man that I loved is long since gone. And I wish I knew when he left and where I could find him. And I wished that he'd told me he was leaving so I could say goodbye. I feel like the man I said goodbye to a few weeks ago was just a representation.
And maybe one day my best friend will come back. Maybe he'll want to be friends again...sharing a chocolate milkshake, singing "I fooouuunndd it" and putting on stockings and make up with me to watch a strange movie from the 70s. But I cant truly believe that. I'd like to....but I really think he's gone.
But how do I find a new best friend, when everything about myself, my loves, hopes, fears, dreams, randomness and appreciations were all shared with him? How can I share them with someone new, as if they were new? How can I not be reminded of him and a shared memory or experience at almost everything I love and do?
And how am I supposed to get through every day feeling like its just me that feels like this? That this isnt hurting him, that he isnt thinking of the time we fed chipmunks, or the time we sung to random people in Old Town, or the times he would sit and brush my hair while we watched Doctor Who or the million and one other moments that made up our lives together? He's just thinking that its easier now to be alone because the risk of being hurt is eliminated. He's enjoying his life as if I never existed and we never were something that we believed could never be changed or erased. .
But being alone is the worst kind of hurt ever. And I just hope that one day someone will be able to revive my faith in best friends, in not being lonely, and give me new moments to smile and reminisce about.
Never ever forget to appreciate what you have right now. Right in front of you. Savour every last second.
Because I always believed we deserved the best, deserved everything to be perfect - I didnt always realise when things were perfect.
Not that I didnt appreciate so much. I did. I appreciated a hell of a lot. So much that was done for me, said to me, and memories created. There was so much I had to be greatful for. And I always was. I just wasnt always vocal about it, and instead talked about what "wasnt right", because I believed we deserved everything to be perfect and the very best it could be.
And that meant I didnt always take the time to see what was right in front of me. How happy I was...how happy we were. And I wish I had. I wish I hadnt spent so much time thinking forward and wanting to make things better, and instead realised when they were so good. Because maybe then we wouldnt be here. Or lack of here for that matter.
And I'm not putting all blame on myself. Getting to here was a two way street. And not getting out of here is pretty much a one way street. Because I dont know what else I could have done or said. I tried as hard as I could. But it was probably too late.
I just wish I could rewind and appreciate all of the smiles and laughs when they were happening instead of looking at photos and wishing they could be re-created.
I don't mean "us" or our relationship. (Although I'd like to not give up on that either) I mean YOU.
I know you've treated me badly over the last few weeks. And although I recognize my part I've played in our relationship and how I've hurt you I'm not going to say you have an excuse for doing it.
But the fact that you did it. Continually, and swinging from one extreme to the next, one minute saying you dont want to lose me as a friend (and me believing that because I could hear it in your voice) to saying you dont want to talk to me (and your voice sounding completely different) is what is making me realise - this is not you.
And I'm so scared for you. And I'm not going to be so arrogant as to think I can "fix" you, or make you realise anything. But I hope I can help in some way...If you'll let me.
Because I am not giving up faith in you. I've seen you, I know you, I know what your thinking and feeling, and I know this isn't right.
I just hope you can see it in yourself, remember who you are capable of being, and want to get back to that. And let me help you if I can.
I love you. That's not changing. Maybe things will never happen again between us. But I still love you. And I want to be your friend. And I want to help you.
But please...try and help yourself? You owe it to yourself.
To be honest I can't allow myself to hurt anymore. Its been heading this way for weeks, I've known it. and denied it. Call it self preservation, call it stupidity, call it what you want. But I've hurt so much over the last few weeks, and last few days alone I dont have anything left in me. I dont know how to hurt any more.
So I revert back to what I know....anger. I need to be angry because I know how to deal with that. I know how to pass blame, and declare righteousness. Hurting means being vulnerable. And I cant make myself vulnerable to him anymore.
So yeah. I DO deserve better! I need to not blame myself for who I am and "driving someone away" because of it. Someone should love me BECAUSE of my flaws, not in spite of them. You cant deal with my firecracker personality? You cant accept that my go to response is anger and defensiveness? Instead of guiding me and helping me be a better person (which is what I saw so much in you....helping me to be a better person....you were my inspiration) you push me away and say that "You deserve to be happy" and "You cant live your whole life like that" Well I cant live MY whole life with someone that dosn't want me, let alone want me and love me for who I am.
And I tried SO hard for you! I went through SO MUCH! I gave you everything I had and a whole lot more I didnt know I could. Today, after everything I've been going through, the first thing I did was be there for you. We talked for an hour about you, your drinking, where your head space has been at the last few months. Your response? "Damn you really know me. You know me too well" Your damn fucking straight it was too well. I know you so well I could sit and tell you everything you've been thinking and feeling for the last few months, even when you've shared very little. And you couldn't tell me SHIT about myself! You couldn't even comfort me when I sat there spilling my heart out to you. And not for the first time either. How many times have I put my heart on the line, telling you things about myself, my fears and insecurities that I've never told anyone and you just sit there in silence.
And why? Because your selfish! You are a selfish prick! You remember when you said you were poison to women? Well I think your totally right. You dont know a good thing when you've got it, you dont know how to be there for someone else, ultimately you think the world owes you something that you shouldn't have to work for.
Well here's the reality check. Life is HARD! I tried to explain to you that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And what because the last few months have been hard you decide thats going to be your whole life and thats too much? You cant cope with that?! Well fuck you then - run away, be a coward!
Because I will work hard. I will believe that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And if someone isnt prepared to put the work in ever then I shouldnt have to compensate for that.
And I wont. I'm done. I'm done I'm done. I fought with everything I had right up until the last minute. Talk about going down swinging...lets just be glad this wasnt a spectator sport.
And I dont know whats going to happen next week when I'm there. Because a small part of me. the part that IS the eternal optimist despite me saying that I dont believe anymore...that tiny part of me STILL wants to believe in true love, and happy ever afters, and one look in someones eyes fixing everything.
But even if that is the case...I dont know if you know the words to say to bring us back from the point of extinction. Because I actually dont know what they are myself anymore. I'd just like to have a tiny glimmer of hope that they are still there.
But if not...I have a feeling your never going to allow yourself to be happy. Because everything is always going to be too hard. So you know what? Go back to when your life was "easy" get drunk all day, and fuck around with friends, and drift from place to place with no real meaning or substance. Because that was easy wasnt it? That didnt require any hard work did it? But were you happy then?
And maybe. Just maybe. One day you'll look at your life, look at what we could have had and realise.
But right now I cant think about everything we planned and everything that we could have been and could have had. Because thats one sure fire way to push me over the brink of hurting too much to know how to deal with it.
the thing that hurts me the most, that I cant get my head around...is why you would ask me to marry you? How could you be so cruel? Asking someone to marry them means you want to go through everything with them. The rough and the smooth, your telling that person "I want to be there next to you. Always"
And to take that all away....to promise me the world and my hopes and dreams, and to throw it away because you dont think we can make it. What is that? I ask you - seriously? What is that?
And you cant even tell me why?! Your only answer "You did make me happy" What changed? Stress's that we were going through? We were both going through a lot the last few months. Maybe we took on too much at once between us. But to throw it all away because of that?
The hardest thing is not understanding. I dont know where your heads at....I dont know what your thinking. And you wont tell me.
And ironically I've come full circle. Listening to 30 Seconds to Mars after a painful break up. Thats what brought me to the Lex and you in the first place. Only now the words have to much more meaning. And pain.
Strength is a funny thing. All of us have the capability to be strong. When the going gets tough to find that inner courage to get you through the difficulties. The intelligence, creativity, inspiration, emotional upholding and general "Never quit" attitude that when you come out the other side makes you feel proud and alive and fulfilled.
But what about the strength to be weak? To admit when you need help? To ask for it? To say "I cant do this alone"?
Because admitting you need help is a whole other kind of strength. To put your faith and hope on someone else's shoulders and let them carry you, trusting that they wont drop you and help you through it.
What about when you don't have that person to turn to? Or when they (for whatever reason) arn't strong enough to help you.
What about when you stand screaming for help and they still don't realise how badly you need them? When they feel that you blame them for everything going wrong when really you just need something to blame and you wish they would ignore the yelling and see the pain going on inside.
Then what when they cant/wont help you? Admit that you need help but dont have anyone around? Or try and re-find that inner strength to keep going as you did before? Will that make you stronger in the long run or eventually lead to the cracks turning into fractures and completely tearing you apart?
What if after being strong for SO long, you don't know how to just let it go?
How do you find a different way to tell someone you need help, you need them, and your not as strong as they think you are when that's exactly how you told them and they still dont hear it?
And how many days can you call in sick to work to try and find a way to deal with it without getting fired?
On Friday it came to light that the previous week a young man had been shot and killed by police in London. the original story stated that he had fired a gun at police, and they shot back.
The family were not provided with any further details, evidence or proof. They staged a peaceful (if loud and understandably angry) protest outside the police station in their local borough.
They were continually given misinformation by police, although to be fair the front line "minion officers" seemed to be being given misinformation themselves. The family were told that the chief commisioner was on his way to give more information....and he never turned up.
The protest turned into a riot; anger at the lack of information given by police.
The family still dont have answers and apparently this mans children dont even know that their father is gone yet because they have no reason why to tell them.
It is now appearing that the bullett that was "shot at police" (and lodged in a radio - harming noone) and the bullett that killed this young man are the same.
This is tragedy enough. A severe case of failure on the part of the people that are meant to keep London safe.
But an even greater tragedy is the sick, twisted behavior by far too many "anarchists". These anarchists are not airing their views against enforced authority. They are thoughtless, petty, opportunistic criminals. Cowards hiding under their hoodies looking for any excuse to cause mayhem, havoc and a quick quid by looting shops. (and of all shops to be looted one of them was a pound shop for crying out loud!)
This building had 26 homes. Homes now lost and 26 families made homeless, losing all of their possessions and just barely escaping with their lives.
Tonight there are families who have lost their homes. Families with innocent children. And this wasnt caused by a grieving relative, but by some cowardly "yoofs" proving how "hard" they are by throwing an explosive at a building and running for the hills.
Yeah - made of really tough stuff there arnt you?
It makes me sick. Sick to be a londoner, sick to be a young person, almost sick to be a human being when you see this appaling behaviour.
But dispite all the tradgedy, violence, pain and fear in London tonight we MUST try to remember:
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.
Mahatma Gandhi
Although this seems to be a pretty big oil slick in the ocean of humanity right now.
BBC London are generally the most reliable sources for whats happening right now.
But for now I leave you with two songs that are all two appropriate right now.
So as always - bad blogger, not blogged for months. Slap on wrist - yadda yadda yadda.
To be fair though this time I have an excuse because there has been a LOT going on! So here is a general rambling about my life at present.
New Job
Its full time, its a great salary, its a great cause. (Yup still in the charity fundraising sector of course) My manager is an absolute sweetie, and the role can become whatever I make of it really with her help and support. Rest of the organisation is a little...frustrating to say the least due to some old fashioned views and ways of working but I think it can be worked on/around. Luckily as I said the manager is awesome so at least I know I always have her support if I end up with a fight on my hands about anything.
And the new job led to...
New home!
I dont need to tell you that I've been needing my own space for QUITE a while now. I love my family, I truly do, I just always knew that I would love them more and have a much better relationship with them when we wernt in each others hair and under each others feet every second of every day!
So I found somewhere that is walking distance to work and absolutely GORGEOUS! Its a tad expensive, especially when paying for a wedding too but I think I will just about manage if I'm frugal with it.
Its SO worth the price though. Its a very roomy, open and airy two bedroom place and the best bit about it is - it has a massive walk in wardrobe! And actually now I've got all the furniture in it seems EVEN bigger!
I cant wait for Codaniel and Jasper to be here with me though. Its very weird to go from a crazy, always busy house to your own secluded space. Especially as the area is so quiet too. Dont get me wrong I'm not complaining - I love the quiet and the fact that its now MY space but its very weird.
Definitely need my other half and obnoxious little kitten to make it truly feel like home.
I'll take some pictures when there are less boxes everywhere and post them soon.
Wedding planning
Its all coming along nicely. I'm always surprised by how much has actually been done really early on, but also by how much there is left to do! Eek!
Not really been focussing on it too much at the moment with the move and job and stuff so I'll get to it.
I think I "may" have found the dress. I'm being conservative in case I find something better but there is one that I absolutely adore and think I will like again even more when I go back and try it on again! Ssh! Its top secret for the moment though - and of course will continue to be for all but a select few until the wedding day in case Codaniel accidently see.
Travel Plans
I'm heading to the States in 10 days! Only for a week sadly :( but we're going to really try and make the most of it. We have some wedding planning stuff booked in and then the rest of it will be just us relaxing. Including for my babys birthday where we have a very relaxing couple of days planned.
Then I'll be back again for 3 weeks in October/November where we will also be jetting off to McMegs Wedding! VERY excited about that!
Soooo yeahh. Thats about everything thats been going on in my life lately. Not that I've been overly busy or anything! :D
Lifes a funny old thing. When your there in the moment, living it; it feels like it's gonna last forever.
The friends, relationships, job, nights out, nights in, laughs, giggles. It feels great and amazing,
And then life changes. As it must. For us to learn and grow and often go on to bigger and better things.
But sometimes when life gets tough we find ourselves thinking back, looking at old photos and saying "life was better and easier back then".
But when your looking at photos, reminiscing about what once was you forget that your only seeing the highlights, the best bits. We very rarely take photos in the moments of sorrow. It's hard to get a good group shot when. half the group is fighting about something and you don't want to take photos of the nights in watching the telly.
But just because they're not evidenced doesn't mean they didn't happen. And that's what we need to remember when we say "things were better then" because they wernt, they were just different, And they wernt necessarily the best days of our lives. There was still pain and unhappiness and loneliness. The photos are just the happy moments of days gone by.
So if you find yourself stuck in that place, wishing you were back were you were take a moment to reflect on where you are now,
The new friends you've made, new loves you've found, new job, new house, new kids, new car. Newness! Brand spanking sparkly new things to make memories about. A new stage in your life with lessons to learn and people to meet.
AND if your really lucky, the truly important people from your past are still there too. And if they're not, they are where they were always meant to end up; As happy memories.
As previously blogged, the main essence of my belief system in the world and universe is that everything DOES happen for a reason.
Not necessarily that there is a grand plan/path layed out for us and we have no choice, more that even if you cant see it right now things will work out, and bring you to greater things. You just have to trust it. Especially if your path doesnt go the way you expect it to, and then seemingly random opportunities come up.
For instance;
There is a job in Scotland that I REALLY want, I worked bloody hard on the application and am now waiting with breath that is baited for the short listing next week to find out if I even get an interview.
I then started looking at other job advertisments because I also do not believe in putting all your eggs in one basket. I found one that caused me to call an agency that I completly forgot I had been in contact with a few weeks ago when I got back from the States. I'd completly forgotten that they'd put my CV forward for a role, and as it turned out...I'd been shortlisted and now have an interview!
Its so strange how I feel I did no work but got an interview....strange. And its not in Scotland, but its also not in London either (its just outside of London, so close enough to be "close" but not so far that we'd be in the middle of no where)
So I guess whatever will be will be with that.
In other news I'm going to be taking up driving lessons again. And this time its with the intention to pass ASAP. Life is just so much easier when your driving and have a car! So with that in mind I'm going to learn in an automatic. In the UK if you pass you test in the UK you are then only licensed to drive an automatic, which is why most people will learn in a manual (stick shift for my USA readers) but for me a manual car just seemed like far too much effort. Yeah I may be lazy but I see driving as a means to an end, overal I would like it to be as relaxing an experience as possible without then stressing about biting points and changing gears every 3 seconds! hehe.
So please do wish me positive thoughts and luck with both the driving and finding the right job. Both are integral parts of Codaniel and I's future lives together and if I get my butt into shape with both of these I'll really begin to feel like we're getting somewhere!
This is an amazing website that has helped me tremendously with my Long Distance Relationship. (LDR) From the amazing articles and ideas of things to do with your SO (Significant Other - the sites standard acronym) but most of all to the wonderful friendly forum filled with people at many different stages of their LDR and more than ready to offer advice, suggestions or just an understanding shoulder when things get really tough.
They were doing really well (and rightly so!) with the number of visitors finding them until....Google changed their algorithms (bastards!) and now they're ranking really low down, sometimes not until the 10th or even 60th page in some countries!
So by my linking to them here, I will hopefully help them a little bit but I need your help for that. I need all my wonderful visitors to follow the link and spend a few minutes browsing around the different pages. You dont need to join the forum or anything, just have a browse.
I particularly recommend these pages - they might give you some ideas for you and your SO even if your not in a LDR!
LDR Gift Ideas Again they work great at any distance and are very sweet!
So please visit Loving from a Distance using any of these links (in particular the one below) and help the website stay afloat! It would be heartbreaking to the owners of the sight (Michelle and Frank who feel like our best friends with all their wonderful advice!) not to mention the 1000's of people in LDR who use this site.
This is a wonderful blog written by fellow LFADer. She shares my name, is also getting married really soon, and whos relationship is also USA/UK based (except shes in the States)
Like most Brides shes on a super tight budget but has been offered the chance to get some freebies in return for advertising on her blog. However she needs more followers.
So please visit her blog and become a follower, she says you dont even then need to read her updates (although I would if I were you!) its just the overall number shes trying to increase.
And while I'm on the promotions....I may as well give myself a very small and quick shout out.
If your someone that regullarly reads my blog, but is not one of my faithful few 13 followers - please do! I think it'd increase the overall attractiveness of my blog. Not that I'm being vain or anything...
Ok, so I want to share a BRILLIANT Youtube Video with you, but before I do I want to show you the video that I am 98% certain inspired it (although I'm sure the creators would never admit it)
I saw this while I was in America, linked from a blog or forum (I dont remember which) It seriously is watching all the way through. But come back to me because theres much better to come!
So, for those of you who may not know there is to be a Wedding. No I'm not talking about mine this time! I'm referring to the Royal Wedding on 29th April 2011 of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Its a very big affair in the UK, we've even been given the day off work! (Except its only really benficial if your salaried staff meaning you stil get paid. As a temp, I'm just glad of the lay in!)
T-Mobile is a big mobile phone provider and have recently had some amazing adverts, including flash mobs, people being sang to at arrivals in Heathrow and now...THIS!
The most amazing thing is just HOW alike the actors are to the real Royal Family. Its quite unique - I can only imagine that auditon process!
But what really prompted me to post was this article I then read. I love America, but God bless 'em - some people really need to get out of they're bubbles just a wee bit! :D
Anyway, heres to my slightly alternative Patriotic post.
There are many things I love about America. I love the wide variety, so many differnt scenery backdrops, weathers, cultures and ways of living. From big cities to tiny little towns consisiting of 3 houses and a store there's almost every way of living you could imagine.
I love the food, everything really is bigger in America (and I can hear you making crude comments already) so I love being able to eat my fill and still have enough to take home! Theres so many different cuisines both with actual resturants and take away places. Not to mention its reasonably priced. Comparing Fort Collins prices to London probably isnt too comparable but I do enjoy knowing I dont have to take out a loan to eat out! :D
I love the people. Again this may not be comparable to London, and it may be because I'm not a native but I have (on the whole) found everyone to be extremely helpful and friendly. Especially in Fort Collins where you can easily start up a conversation with someone on the street and not be thought a crazy.
I love how there are drive through everything! Restuarants, coffee shops, postboxes, BANKS! (Thats gotta be my favorite)
However there are many things that are driving me a tad crazy and I just needed a little rant about them.
Healthcare system...ugh! If you dont have insurance (which is terribly expensive to start off with) you dont want to go to the hospital or doctors unless your actually missing an appendage or something! So if you've got a lump or bump your common sense tells you you should get checked out (this is just for instance - no one panic please) you dont because it might be nothing and your $1000 out of pocket. Not to mention the price of prescriptions, even things like birth control. The amount of women who dont use it because its too expensive.
I will never complain about the NHS again!
I hate that you have to have a car to get anywhere and public transportation is just not even a consideration. Not to mention the fact that because of that almost anyone can get a license. Yeeeaaah lets give kids age 15 and old ladies age 89 the ability to drive a 2 ton machine capable of killing people.
Again as much as having to take umpteen lessons and a rigorous test, give me UK driving tests anytime!
I hate that the passport office has NO IDEA what ID you need to apply for a passport and is messing with Codaniel's application. In fact how most people in positions of authority generally have very little idea of whats going on and seem to just want to mess with you all the time.
I'm deeply concerned about immigration when I come back over here to get married as apparently the only reason you would want to get married in America is to live here illegally (eyeroll - get over yourselves!)
Ok, so you can probably guess that I'm a little frustrated with many institutions in America at the moment. Apologies for any offence caused to my lovely American friends and American readers. Its just a rant...promise, I'll be fine later!
So I just found an awesome show called "Whose Wedding is it Anyway" Goodness me there are some fights going on! The first episode was a double wedding for two sisters who had completely opposite views for the wedding, fought over everything, jealousy, cat fights - jeesh! I have to say I love my sister to PIECES but I would never have a shared wedding with her. Your wedding is about your day, and sharing it with the person you've probably fought more with in your life than anyone else is just a recipe for disaster.
Although I have to say when you say them all dancing together at the end it was very cute. My personal hats off goes to the Wedding Planner though. One bride wanted purples the other wanted hot pink and the wedding planner pulled it all together and it looked REALLY good! I was trying to find a picture of the wedding party but I coudlnt. I did however find this, one bride wanted the cake, the other cupcakes so they did both in their respective wedding colours.
Theres another show called "Say Yes to the Dress" and I have to say I feel so sorry for some of these brides who are clearly regretting the entourage they brought with them to try on the most expensive outfit they'll ever wear. (Probably...it will be for me anyway!)
Like the girl who couldnt decide what she wanted and when she finally fell in love with a dress was met with a "meh" response. Or the girl who wanted a modest, A-line dress with a slightly higher neckline that would cover a scar but whose younger twin brothers wanted her to wear something "low cut, figure hugging and sexy" that she was clearly uncomfortable in because of her scar.
So this leads me to my biggest piece of wedding planning advice. Know when to ask for advice, and who to ask it from
For example Dont ask someone who has only ever eaten beans on toast to help choose the menu. Dont ask someone who hands you clothes that you know will look awful on you to come with you to try on your dress. However DO ask that relative that spent 3 years working in a florists to help choose the flowers and do ask that person that dishes up the most mouthwatering desserts to choose (or even make) the cake.
Of course some things there should be no arguing with, like mum and maid of honour coming with you to get the dress. Luckily my best girls know exactly what looks good on me so there are no worries there and I cant WAIT to try on dresses!
I'm sure many of you have seen or read in the news, on Friday 11th March, a massive earthquake - the seventh largest recorded in history, struck the east coast of Japan. It measured 8.8 on the Richter scale and that then trigged a tsunami which hit Japan with 7meter high waves.
The death count is as yet unknown and there are many many people missing. I'm sure I dont need to tell you this is a horrifying experience for all those caught up in the disaster, and those with friends and family they have not yet heard from.
In addition countries with coastlines on the Pacific have been issued with tsunami warnings. This includes the Philippines, Australia and even the West Coast of America.
The fundraiser in me is compelled to ask anyone who can or is in a position to do so, to make a donation to the Red Cross's appeal.
For my friends and (soon to be!) family in America you can make a donation via the American Red Cross by visiting their website here or you can donate $10 by texting REDCROSS to 90999. More info about text donations
For my friends and family in the UK you can make a donation via the British Red Cross by visiting their website here
Or you can make a donation over the phone by calling 08450 53 53 53
Even if you feel you can only make a small donation, you will be making a difference. Whether it be $2 or $200 (or pounds) you will be helping those affected by this disaster.
Thanking you in advance.
Disclaimer: This blog is not written or approved by any Red Cross or Red Crescent Society. This is merely my personal appeal to readers to help those in need in Japan.
Mmmm going to talk about food...dangerous. Nomnomnom
1) Fresh bread (or at least warm) with Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar dip
I LOVE vinegar. My dips are generally one part oil with about 5 parts vinegar! The warmer and fresher the bread the better. Mmmm I really could live on this forever!
2) Chocolate
To be fair, since I've been in America I've not eaten as much as I normally do. A few reasons: American chocolate sucks (sorry America - its true!) so I'm savouring my UK chocolate I brought with me. Some US chocolate is ok, but its the expensive stuff (naturally) There are a couple of stores here in FoCo that have British Chocolate but because of import fees etc they're horrendously overpriced in my opinion and I cant bring myself to do it!
3) Fish and Chips
Nomnomnom! Best take away food EVER. Again, with the chips practically swimming in vinegar. And a saveloy on the side. Mmmm! I'm so glad theres a "British" Fish and Chip shop here in FoCo. Its not quite the same, but still really good. Not to mention the fact that my baby makes damn good Fish and Chips!
4) Nice cuppa' tea
Everything can be solved with a nice cup a tea. Tea wake you up in the morning, gets you through the work day, comforts you when your ill and de-stresses you in horrible situations. It can even revive the Doctor and the TARDIS. Magical stuff!
5) Biscuits/cookies
I felt the need to clarify with cookies as I am talking about sweet, normally chocolate covered biscuits that are to be dunked in the aforementioned Nice cuppa tea! This is as opposed to the bread like fluffy biscuit that comes coated in sausage gravy.
Hehe, whilst looking for this picture of David Tennant I found this excellent one too. We'd have such a great first date...sorry Codaniel, I'm kidding I promise! (He is on my list though...)
1) The Princess Bride
I cant quite remember if I read the book or saw the movie first but the book is amazing. And the movie is one of the few AMAZING, perfect adaptations of a book.
True fairy tale - should be read and watched by all!
2) The Harry Potter saga
I was 11 when the first Harry Potter book came out - same as Harry, and I grew up with these books. I wasnt too sure at first, I had to try reading it a few times before I got past the second chapter then as soon as I did I was hooked. I started re-reading the sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince the night before The Deathly Hallows came out. I'd finished both books by Sunday early evening- 2 days flat! And I had to work, eat and sleep that weekend too.
3) 1984
Such an amazing story, so terrifying that it COULD happen. Eery that Orwell had such accurate predictions of the future. For me what I love most though is the love story. Or rather, the doomed love story. ***SPOILER ALERT*** It breaks my heart when he denys her. Although he is in the most awful of situations, I feel I would have rather died and said "F you Big Brother" than deny my love.
4) Everything by Roald Dahl
My favorite childhood author, and I could still re-read every story over and over again. They're so brilliantly written for children. Children they can relate to, horrible situations not sugarcoated but at the same time with amazing humour and excellent words that children adore. Snozcumbers! My children will be hearing a lot of Roald Dahl when they're growing up!
5) Of Mice and Men
We read this in English at school and I fell in love with the story. It broke my heart though. The movie with John Malchovich and Gary Sinise really sold it for me. Mr Sinise is GORGEOUS in that movie! I have excellent memories of spending Media Studies with my friend Nicky, just Googling pictures...ah the exciting lives of 15 year old hormonal girls! hehe
6) The Twilight Saga
Despite being a 20-something I love these books. When I started reading them through for the 3rd time I really realised that they actually arn't brilliantly written. But I don't care, this escapist romantic love story got me through a tough time and also brought me to some amazing people. I'm glad I've read them as an adult though. I can see how the relationships are not healthy. I really worry about those teenage girls who swoon "Edward is such a perfect man" Err...no...watching you sleep before your even dating, desperately trying to find out everything about you, forbidding you from seeing friends and taking you away from your family...hes a creepy creeper!
I've always had trouble with this "inspiration" thing. Inspire me how? In what way? Sometimes the smallest little things inspire me, inspire me to write, spend time with those I love, generally be a better human being. But a whole person to inspire me? Maybe I'll just think about the things I've seen people do that have inspired me. (In no particular order)
1) Couples on Loving from a distance.
So far Codaniel and I have been long distance for 14 months, and are likely to continue being so for the next 10-12. To anyone in a close distance relationship that must seem like torture. However in the grand scheme of LD relationships it really is nothing. Especially when we'e had two 3 month visits in that time period. I read stories of couple that have been together for 2, 4, 8, sometimes more years, with precious few visits in between. Some don't even know when there next visit will be. For some its literally a year or more away.
I find that incredible. I love Codaniel with everything I have and would wait for him, I just dont know how I would do it with the positivity and light that these couples do. They are amazing!
2) People who give there lives to save others
Police officers, firefighters, the armed forces. Ok its their job and they get paid for doing it. But think long and hard. For a nominal salary would you be willing to risk your life, leave your mother without a child, wife without a husband, daughter without a mother to save someone you dont know? Now what about all the people who do it voluntarily.Think about it...
3) Kirsty
My friend Kirsty is one of the kindest, most caring people I've ever met. She'll stop and talk to everyone she meets, she would give her last £1 and the shirt off her back to someone who needed it, and even more so if they didnt ask. And the most inspiring thing? She doesnt even realise how amazing and unique she is for how much she cares.
4) My Mum
Mums should be inspiring. To be honest, every mother is. When you have a child, they become your life. Your first thought will always be of them before yourself. My mum in particular is inspiring because she is mum and dad to me and my sister. She can cook and clean, but she works, fixes the car and does all the DIY. Shes not a "girly girl" mum, but she cant wait to come with me to choose my Wedding Dress. And then guess who'll be walking me down the aisle? :)
5) My "online" friends who took the chance to meet me
You never know who people are online. You'd like to think you get to know them pretty well and can trust them, but theres always that small part of you that says "What if?" Yet Becca, Ally, Megs, Jen, Codaniel and Sami all took the chance to not only meet me, but invite me into their homes, meet their friends and family and help me have some of the most amazing memories of a lifetime. Having faith in people gives me inspiration!
6) Children
All children. They are innocent, they have the most amazing imaginations, yet they see things with such clarity. They are very sound judges of character, yet have this amazing ability to love. Plus when you see what they are capable of its pretty darn amazing. Just last night Izzy's baby, barely 3 months old was literally headbanging and dancing to metal music and Codaniels guitar playing! Brought huge smiles to all of our faces!
7) Having the ability to keep loving, even after being burned.
Love hurts. It shouldnt, but when we open ourselves up so completely to someone else, all of our fears, joys and insecurities, only to have it thrown back in our faces is one of the most horrendous things anyone will ever have to face. I'm hugely inspired by the people, (my Codaniel especially) who are able to say "Ok..that hurt more than I can ever imagine. But I believe that I can love and be loved again, with time" Never give up on love.
1) All 50 States
Even before coming here for the first time, I've always wanted to visit all 50 States of the USA. As in literally touch the soil and do something there (I clarify that because I traveled through many on the train but didn't visit them!) So far I've already visited:
New York
North Carolina
South Carolina
Illinois
Iowa
Colorado
Washington State
California
8 out of 50 in a year (actually - a month!) aint bad!
2) Northern Europe
I havnt decided exactly where exactly. Basically somewhere with snow and the Northern Lights. I really cant wait to see the Northern Lights one day
3) Disney World
I've been to Disney Land in Paris but I would love to go to one of the ones in America. Where Disney started! What can I say, I'm a child born and bred on Disney films, I cant help it, its true love. :)
4) Australia
I think...I'd like to see the uniqueness of the Outback, Ayers rock etc. I'm not too keen on the 24hour flight, overbearing heat or *shudder* bugs that could kill me. However as my friend Jess will potentially be moving out there, I guess I'll be visiting it at least once in my life!
5) Niagara Falls
Not technically the same as number 1 as its 1/2 in Canada, and its also something specific :-P Its so magnificent, so terrifying, so awe-striking. Would love to see the falls. Might give the going over it in a barrel a pass though! hehe
6) The middle of the Atlantic
Ideally, the point where the Titanic sank. OK, that sounds kinda weird, granted. But I've always had a bit of an obsession with Titanic. Long before the movie came out. It was such a tragedy, I choke up every time just thinking about it, everything that went wrong, the amount of women that lost their husbands, children growing up without their fathers that they had to say goodbye to right there. How maybe just one small thing could have had it averted. And how we should never mess with nature, and declare we are better than forces bigger than us. "God himself could not sink this ship" ...how wrong they were.
7) Scotland
I've been to Scotland, many times. But its so beautiful and theres so much of it I havnt seen yet. And I look forward to discovering it with Codaniel.
So before I return to my blogging challenge I need to share my amazing weekend with you lovely people!
Friday we planned to go and view a couple of potential wedding venues, including the one we've been in love wit and had our heart set on since we saw the website and package offered alone.
Of course Friday is the day of the worst snowstorm I've seen since I've been here, during the mildest winter FoCo has seen in years....typical. Not only that, we're driving up the canyon, into the mountains to Estes Park where the snow is (of course) a million times worse.
Thank you SO much future mum-in-law Pam for battling that canyon 3 times for us in the snow to allow us to see our venue and get back in time for the evenings shenanigans.
So we get up to the venue and we cant even drive up the driveway to the actual place because it was SO icy. The car gets stuck and we struggle up the driveway. Then Pam nearly fell in the ice (I thought she was going to go down the hill!), Codaniel runs to chivarously save his mum - HE falls over, I struggle over carefully to see if hes ok (OK...to rescue my Wedding binder that was laying face down in the snow, but that doesnt make me sound too good huh?) and then of course I end up on my butt too. Smooth first impressions...
So after this adventure in the snow we get inside and it is every bit as beautiful and a million times more than we imagined it would be! We braved the snow and walked down to the ceremony site (which is outside). We're talking at least a foot and a half of untouched, powdery, crunchy snow. The ceremony site was also untouched and it looked like Narnia. If it wasnt for the logistical nightmare it would cause, I almost wish it would snow on the day!
The guy showing us round bugged me slightly because he wouldn't let the 'Event planner' part of me ask the questions I wanted to or write them down. He was also telling me how I "should" do certain things because most people do. In particular I explained that we probably wouldn't do cocktail hour as we dont drink so it would be "coffee and cake hour" instead. He said "Well y'know most people hold off on the coffee until later when the Wedding cake is served" Apparently my face was one of thunder and to be honest it took a lot of self control to not say anything! Oops....again Sarah - VERY smooth!
(This is what Estes Park looks like in the snow. I promise, there are mountains tucked behind those low lieing clouds!)
So we're settled on our venue, we just need to get the deposit and get it booked ASAP!
So then we battled back down the mountain to be able to get to see Rocky Horror Picture Show! We'd been looking forward to this for close to a month, spent a small fortune on our costumes and practiced what lines to yell and when to throw our props.
The first night we got there a little bit late and were worried we'd be the only ones dressed up. Luckily quite a few people were, in varying degrees, including one guy who was equally as "Frank n Furter-ed" as Codaniel was! We didnt quite know when all the lines were but there was one guy who knew them all and had everyone in fits of giggles pretty much everytime.
The second night we got there early to be able to mingle with everyone. Of course what we forgot was that the cinema was still playing other shows. Needless to say we got a few weird looks, but also quite a few "You look awesome!"'s. The guys at the desk cracked us up. Me: "I'll let you guess what we want tickets for" Clerk: "You guys are here to see Tangled right?" Lol, that was really funny!
There were reporters and a photographer from the local college newspaper there too, As two of the most "in character people" (though certainly not the only ones who were dressed up!) they took quite a few photos of us, and we're hoping we'll end up in the local paper!
And to top it off, WE were the ones that knew the lines! From practicing, and also from hearing them all the night before. I cant tell you how satisfying it is to be a heckler that is not only listened to but laughed with! :D
"The man you are about to see has no neck"
"Ding dong, assholes calling, sluts for sale, going cheap" "How cheap?" "So cheap shes got a condom in her hair!" Hehe - excellent times!
Oh, and I almost forgot. The second night we stayed in a hotel, to make a real weekend of it and to be closer to get to and from the cinema. You would expect the Hilton to be a pretty good establishment huh? Not charge an extra $10 for wifi, wake you up at stupid o clock with "housekeeping" when you requested a late check out and breakfast isnt even done serving or a sororuty convention so loud you feel like the drunk 18yr olds are in the room with you? Not at ALL what I expect when I pay that much a night for a room in an 'expensive' hotel; I complained, we got the room for free - we were VERY happy! Moral of this story...its ALWAYS worth complaining if theres something your unhappy with.
So yup, overal one of the most amazing weekend ever! I love Wedding Planning and the Rocky Horror Picture Show!
