50 shades of yadda yadda

Warning: Post contains spoilers

Did you know "50 shades of grey" was originally a Twilight fanfic called "Masters of the Universe". A few years ago, just after the Twilight hype, Twilight fan fics were storming the internet and boy did my Lexlings know how to find the best ones!  However I had already ploughed through Wide Awakes twice (still not reaching the end waiting for updates) and Clipped wings and Inked armour and I just couldn't be doing with another one - no matter how hot the BDSM scenes were meant to be.

And then it got published (I actually remember a couple of the Lexling's passing comment that she had found a publisher) and took women's lit by storm. I sat there adamantly refusing to be caught up in it. Until I was sat at Glasgow airport waiting for a flight and bought it on an impulse. 

I won't lie to you - I found it pretty hard to put down. Even as I was reading it and judging it harshly I just couldn't stop READING! What did they do, lace the pages with crack or something? 

So I finished the first one on a lazy Sunday morning and very nearly jumped on the bus down to the town to buy the next two! But that's where I made my stand - I refuse to give this woman any more money (£1million a week I read somewhere. Good grief who needs that kind of money!?) so I will wait patiently until I can borrow them from somewhere. Yes. Even when I walk into Sainsburys on a daily basis and there is a display selling them for £3 each. 

And here is why, and I can only apologise in advance. It is a bad book! It's bad. It's so badly written. It READS like a Twilight fanfic -woman did you pay an editor purely to change the names from Edward and Bella to Christian and Ana? You could've paid me for that. It's called "Ctrl + F" for f's sake! 

Talk about repetition. If I have to see the words "Bite that lip" "Inner Goddess" and the worst... "Down there" one more time I may kill someone. Again - its called a thesaurus - buy one!

Next topic: Unrealism. (Is that a word? It is now) Please ladies, tell me now:

a) How do you get to the age of 21 never having held hands or kissing a guy? Is there really ANYONE this innocent?
b) Yeah...that's what first times are like
c) Yeah....women come on demand all the time
d) Yeah.....when you were that innocent and inexperienced you get the most phenomenal orgasms all the time, every time, 3 times a day. 

Give me strength...

And I'm almost tempted to say "Don't get me started on the BDSM crap" But to be fair, it has got people - women - talking about their turn ons, fetishes, desires etc in a way that we probably never have before. You can start a discussion about it simply by saying "Have you read 50 shades - what did you think of the 'red room of pain'?" "Oh I like the idea of the blindfolds and cable ties - not so much the whips and suspension" or whatever. 

Talking is a good thing. We British can be far too repressed about sex and our fantasies and its time we started being a bit more open. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about orgies in the street here but a simple conversation about turn ons can go a long way for us all to have a bit more fun on a Friday night. (Or a Monday morning...or Thursday afternoon. Heck y'know what I mean!)

But this is my word of caution: Ladies WHY do you want a man like Christian Grey? The man's a complete twat. Does it come down to this love of bad boys and the convictions that we can change them? (As I'm sure will no doubt happen in book 3) Why do you want to change a man? There are so many nice ones - or at least not "50 shades of fucked up" ones - out there! The irony is beyond me. We spend all that energy as girls looking for "Prince Charming" only to grow up wishing he would drive off on a motorbike saying "Later's baby". 

Think about this - truly think about this for a moment - really analyse Christian Grey and tell me - if there was a man like that in your life would you not be telling him to shove it? No matter how "good looking" he supposedly is. I know I would be! 

My biggest bit of advice - find the nice normal guys who are willing to do a bit of Christian Grey role play. Best of both worlds without becoming a pathetic shell of a woman who only exists for her boyfriend like Bell...sorry "Ana". 

In searching for images to include on this blog post I came across this which I think perfectly sums up my point. I doth my cap to whoever wrote this! 

America pros and cons

There are many things I love about America. I love the wide variety, so many differnt scenery backdrops, weathers, cultures and ways of living. From big cities to tiny little towns consisiting of 3 houses and a store there's almost every way of living you could imagine.

I love the food, everything really is bigger in America (and I can hear you making crude comments already) so I love being able to eat my fill and still have enough to take home! Theres so many different cuisines both with actual resturants and take away places. Not to mention its reasonably priced. Comparing Fort Collins prices to London probably isnt too comparable but I do enjoy knowing I dont have to take out a loan to eat out! :D

I love the people. Again this may not be comparable to London, and it may be because I'm not a native but I have (on the whole) found everyone to be extremely helpful and friendly. Especially in Fort Collins where you can easily start up a conversation with someone on the street and not be thought a crazy.

I love how there are drive through everything! Restuarants, coffee shops, postboxes, BANKS! (Thats gotta be my favorite)

However there are many things that are driving me a tad crazy and I just needed a little rant about them.

Healthcare system...ugh! If you dont have insurance (which is terribly expensive to start off with) you dont want to go to the hospital or doctors unless your actually missing an appendage or something! So if you've got a lump or bump your common sense tells you you should get checked out (this is just for instance - no one panic please) you dont because it might be nothing and your $1000 out of pocket. Not to mention the price of prescriptions, even things like birth control. The amount of women who dont use it because its too expensive.

I will never complain about the NHS again!

I hate that you have to have a car to get anywhere and public transportation is just not even a consideration. Not to mention the fact that because of that almost anyone can get a license. Yeeeaaah lets give kids age 15 and old ladies age 89 the ability to drive a 2 ton machine capable of killing people.

Again as much as having to take umpteen lessons and a rigorous test, give me UK driving tests anytime!

I hate that the passport office has NO IDEA what ID you need to apply for a passport and is messing with Codaniel's application. In fact how most people in positions of authority generally have very little idea of whats going on and seem to just want to mess with you all the time.

I'm deeply concerned about immigration when I come back over here to get married as apparently the only reason you would want to get married in America is to live here illegally (eyeroll - get over yourselves!)

Ok, so you can probably guess that I'm a little frustrated with many institutions in America at the moment.  Apologies for any offence caused to my lovely American friends and American readers. Its just a rant...promise, I'll be fine later!