To be honest I can't allow myself to hurt anymore. Its been heading this way for weeks, I've known it. and denied it. Call it self preservation, call it stupidity, call it what you want. But I've hurt so much over the last few weeks, and last few days alone I dont have anything left in me. I dont know how to hurt any more.
So I revert back to what I know....anger. I need to be angry because I know how to deal with that. I know how to pass blame, and declare righteousness. Hurting means being vulnerable. And I cant make myself vulnerable to him anymore.
So yeah. I DO deserve better! I need to not blame myself for who I am and "driving someone away" because of it. Someone should love me BECAUSE of my flaws, not in spite of them. You cant deal with my firecracker personality? You cant accept that my go to response is anger and defensiveness? Instead of guiding me and helping me be a better person (which is what I saw so much in you....helping me to be a better person....you were my inspiration) you push me away and say that "You deserve to be happy" and "You cant live your whole life like that" Well I cant live MY whole life with someone that dosn't want me, let alone want me and love me for who I am.
And I tried SO hard for you! I went through SO MUCH! I gave you everything I had and a whole lot more I didnt know I could. Today, after everything I've been going through, the first thing I did was be there for you. We talked for an hour about you, your drinking, where your head space has been at the last few months. Your response? "Damn you really know me. You know me too well" Your damn fucking straight it was too well. I know you so well I could sit and tell you everything you've been thinking and feeling for the last few months, even when you've shared very little. And you couldn't tell me SHIT about myself! You couldn't even comfort me when I sat there spilling my heart out to you. And not for the first time either. How many times have I put my heart on the line, telling you things about myself, my fears and insecurities that I've never told anyone and you just sit there in silence.
And why? Because your selfish! You are a selfish prick! You remember when you said you were poison to women? Well I think your totally right. You dont know a good thing when you've got it, you dont know how to be there for someone else, ultimately you think the world owes you something that you shouldn't have to work for.
Well here's the reality check. Life is HARD! I tried to explain to you that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And what because the last few months have been hard you decide thats going to be your whole life and thats too much? You cant cope with that?! Well fuck you then - run away, be a coward!
Because I will work hard. I will believe that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And if someone isnt prepared to put the work in ever then I shouldnt have to compensate for that.
And I wont. I'm done. I'm done I'm done. I fought with everything I had right up until the last minute. Talk about going down swinging...lets just be glad this wasnt a spectator sport.
And I dont know whats going to happen next week when I'm there. Because a small part of me. the part that IS the eternal optimist despite me saying that I dont believe anymore...that tiny part of me STILL wants to believe in true love, and happy ever afters, and one look in someones eyes fixing everything.
But even if that is the case...I dont know if you know the words to say to bring us back from the point of extinction. Because I actually dont know what they are myself anymore. I'd just like to have a tiny glimmer of hope that they are still there.
But if not...I have a feeling your never going to allow yourself to be happy. Because everything is always going to be too hard. So you know what? Go back to when your life was "easy" get drunk all day, and fuck around with friends, and drift from place to place with no real meaning or substance. Because that was easy wasnt it? That didnt require any hard work did it? But were you happy then?
And maybe. Just maybe. One day you'll look at your life, look at what we could have had and realise.
But right now I cant think about everything we planned and everything that we could have been and could have had. Because thats one sure fire way to push me over the brink of hurting too much to know how to deal with it.
the thing that hurts me the most, that I cant get my head around...is why you would ask me to marry you? How could you be so cruel? Asking someone to marry them means you want to go through everything with them. The rough and the smooth, your telling that person "I want to be there next to you. Always"
And to take that all away....to promise me the world and my hopes and dreams, and to throw it away because you dont think we can make it. What is that? I ask you - seriously? What is that?
And you cant even tell me why?! Your only answer "You did make me happy" What changed? Stress's that we were going through? We were both going through a lot the last few months. Maybe we took on too much at once between us. But to throw it all away because of that?
The hardest thing is not understanding. I dont know where your heads at....I dont know what your thinking. And you wont tell me.
And ironically I've come full circle. Listening to 30 Seconds to Mars after a painful break up. Thats what brought me to the Lex and you in the first place. Only now the words have to much more meaning. And pain.