My best friend

I was engaged, to my best friend in the whole world. To the one person I believed would always be by my side, be there for me. And most of all - always laugh with me.

I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to always talk to about my day, to share the random inner workings of my mind with. To act goofy with. Whether it was impersonating sitcom characters, singing idiotic songs or dressing up in drag and going to the Rocky Horror Picture show with.

Right now I miss him, not our relationship, but our friendship. He said we hadn't been "friends" for a long time, that we'd lost that. And I miss that so much. It feels so lonely.

And right now I have some of the BEST girlfriends a gal could ever ask for. The last week with Megs was easily one of the best vacations ever. She definitely saved me from getting lost in my own head and solitude, she made me laugh and remember what it is to have fun again. I'm honored that I was able to stand with her on her wedding day and watch her marry her best friend. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed and I feel so touched to have been there. Becca is dealing with a lot of stuff herself and she has still been able to offer me her continual owl-like wisdom, encouragement and smiles. Not to mention all of my many many amazing friends who have made sure I know they are there for me and only a phone call, skype or coffee away. I hope they all know how special they are to me.

But somehow (and I dont mean to sound ungreatful in the slightest, because I could never put into words the love and appreciation I have to every single one of these special people) its not quite the same. Your partner will and always should be your best friend, the person that isnt going anywhere and will support and defend you beyond all others. I dont ever claim to be abe to rival my McMuppett consorts, nor would I want to (unless they ever hurt them. In which case hell hath no fury. But my McMuppetts have very excellent taste and judgement and I couldnt in a million years imagine either consort even dreaming of hurting their beloveds) And I thought I'd found mine. But it turns out I hadn't. And that thought is so lonely and saddening its almost overwhelming.

And I keep being told that I deserve better, and that the right person is out there. But its so hard to believe that. Only because I cant picture them y'know? Anytime I picture my best friend, the person that will always cuddle me at the end of a long day and make me giggle by doing something silly...I picture him.

Except...its the him he used to be. And the us we used to be. Because he's not there anymore. I dont know what happened, what changed. But the man that I loved is long since gone. And I wish I knew when he left and where I could find him. And I wished that he'd told me he was leaving so I could say goodbye. I feel like the man I said goodbye to a few weeks ago was just a representation.

And maybe one day my best friend will come back. Maybe he'll want to be friends again...sharing a chocolate milkshake, singing "I fooouuunndd it" and putting on stockings and make up with me to watch a strange movie from the 70s. But I cant truly believe that. I'd like to....but I really think he's gone.

But how do I find a new best friend, when everything about myself, my loves, hopes, fears, dreams, randomness and appreciations were all shared with him? How can I share them with someone new, as if they were new? How can I not be reminded of him and a shared memory or experience at almost everything I love and do?

And how am I supposed to get through every day feeling like its just me that feels like this? That this isnt hurting him, that he isnt thinking of the time we fed chipmunks, or the time we sung to random people in Old Town, or the times he would sit and brush my hair while we watched Doctor Who or the million and one other moments that made up our lives together? He's just thinking that its easier now to be alone because the risk of being hurt is eliminated. He's enjoying his life as if I never existed and we never were something that we believed could never be changed or erased. .

But being alone is the worst kind of hurt ever. And I just hope that one day someone will be able to revive my faith in best friends, in not being lonely, and give me new moments to smile and reminisce about.

Stop and smell the flowers

Never ever forget to appreciate what you have right now. Right in front of you. Savour every last second.

Because I always believed we deserved the best, deserved everything to be perfect - I didnt always realise when things were perfect.

Not that I didnt appreciate so much. I did. I appreciated a hell of a lot. So much that was done for me, said to me, and memories created. There was so much I had to be greatful for. And I always was. I just wasnt always vocal about it, and instead talked about what "wasnt right", because I believed we deserved everything to be perfect and the very best it could be.

And that meant I didnt always take the time to see what was right in front of me. How happy I was...how happy we were. And I wish I had. I wish I hadnt spent so much time thinking forward and wanting to make things better, and instead realised when they were so good. Because maybe then we wouldnt be here. Or lack of here for that matter.

And I'm not putting all blame on myself. Getting to here was a two way street. And not getting out of here is pretty much a one way street. Because I dont know what else I could have done or said. I tried as hard as I could. But it was probably too late.

I just wish I could rewind and appreciate all of the smiles and laughs when they were happening instead of looking at photos and wishing they could be re-created.

Not giving up

I'm not giving up on you. I'm not.

I don't mean "us" or our relationship. (Although I'd like to not give up on that either)  I mean YOU. 

I know you've treated me badly over the last few weeks. And although I recognize my part I've played in our relationship and how I've hurt you I'm not going to say you have an excuse for doing it.

But the fact that you did it. Continually, and swinging from one extreme to the next, one minute saying you dont want to lose me as a friend (and me believing that because I could hear it in your voice) to saying you dont want to talk to me (and your voice sounding completely different)  is what is making me realise - this is not you.

And I'm so scared for you. And I'm not going to be so arrogant as to think I can "fix" you, or make you realise anything. But I hope I can help in some way...If you'll let me.

Because I am not giving up faith in you. I've seen you, I know you, I know what your thinking and feeling, and I know this isn't right.

I just hope you can see it in yourself, remember who you are capable of being, and want to get back to that. And let me help you if I can.

I love you. That's not changing. Maybe things will never happen again between us. But I still love you. And I want to be your friend. And I want to help you.

But please...try and help yourself? You owe it to yourself.

Anger and hurt

To be honest I can't allow myself to hurt anymore. Its been heading this way for weeks, I've known it. and denied it. Call it self preservation, call it stupidity, call it what you want. But I've hurt so much over the last few weeks, and last few days alone I dont have anything left in me. I dont know how to hurt any more.

So I revert back to what I know....anger. I need to be angry because I know how to deal with that. I know how to pass blame, and declare righteousness. Hurting means being vulnerable. And I cant make myself vulnerable to him anymore.

So yeah. I DO deserve better! I need to not blame myself for who I am and "driving someone away" because of it. Someone should love me BECAUSE of my flaws, not in spite of them. You cant deal with my firecracker personality? You cant accept that my go to response is anger and defensiveness? Instead of guiding me and helping me be a better person (which is what I saw so much in you....helping me to be a better person....you were my inspiration) you push me away and say that "You deserve to be happy" and "You cant live your whole life like that" Well I cant live MY whole life with someone that dosn't want me, let alone want me and love me for who I am.

And I tried SO hard for you! I went through SO MUCH! I gave you everything I had and a whole lot more I didnt know I could. Today, after everything I've been going through, the first thing I did was be there for you. We talked for an hour about you, your drinking, where your head space has been at the last few months. Your response? "Damn you really know me. You know me too well" Your damn fucking straight it was too well. I know you so well I could sit and tell you everything you've been thinking and feeling for the last few months, even when you've shared very little. And you couldn't tell me SHIT about myself! You couldn't even comfort me when I sat there spilling my heart out to you. And not for the first time either. How many times have I put my heart on the line, telling you things about myself, my fears and insecurities that I've never told anyone and you just sit there in silence.

And why? Because your selfish! You are a selfish prick! You remember when you said you were poison to women? Well I think your totally right. You dont know a good thing when you've got it, you dont know how to be there for someone else, ultimately you think the world owes you something that you shouldn't have to work for.

Well here's the reality check. Life is HARD! I tried to explain to you that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And what because the last few months have been hard you decide thats going to be your whole life and thats too much? You cant cope with that?! Well fuck you then - run away, be a coward!

Because I will work hard. I will believe that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And if someone isnt prepared to put the work in ever then I shouldnt have to compensate for that.

And I wont. I'm done. I'm done I'm done. I fought with everything I had right up until the last minute. Talk about going down swinging...lets just be glad this wasnt a spectator sport.

And I dont know whats going to happen next week when I'm there. Because a small part of me. the part that IS the eternal optimist despite me saying that I dont believe anymore...that tiny part of me STILL wants to believe in true love, and happy ever afters, and one look in someones eyes fixing everything.

But even if that is the case...I dont know if you know the words to say to bring us back from the point of extinction. Because I actually dont know what they are myself anymore. I'd just like to have a tiny glimmer of hope that they are still there.

But if not...I have a feeling your never going to allow yourself to be happy. Because everything is always going to be too hard. So you know what? Go back to when your life was "easy" get drunk all day, and fuck around with friends, and drift from place to place with no real meaning or substance. Because that was easy wasnt it? That didnt require any hard work did it? But were you happy then?

And maybe. Just maybe. One day you'll look at your life, look at what we could have had and realise.

But right now I cant think about everything we planned and everything that we could have been and could have had. Because thats one sure fire way to push me over the brink of hurting too much to know how to deal with it.

the thing that hurts me the most, that I cant get  my head around...is why you would ask me to marry you? How could you be so cruel? Asking someone to marry them means you want to go through everything with them. The rough and the smooth, your telling that person "I want to be there next to you. Always"

And to take that all away....to promise me the world and my hopes and dreams, and to throw it away because you dont think we can make it. What is that? I ask you - seriously? What is that?

And you cant even tell me why?! Your only answer "You did make me happy" What changed? Stress's that we were going through? We were both going through a lot the last few months. Maybe we took on too much at once between us. But to throw it all away because of that?

The hardest thing is not understanding. I dont know where your heads at....I dont know what your thinking. And you wont tell me.

And ironically I've come full  circle. Listening to 30 Seconds to Mars after a painful break up. Thats what brought me to the Lex and you in the first place. Only now the words have to much more meaning. And pain.