Friday, 17 August 2012

50 shades of yadda yadda

Warning: Post contains spoilers

Did you know "50 shades of grey" was originally a Twilight fanfic called "Masters of the Universe". A few years ago, just after the Twilight hype, Twilight fan fics were storming the internet and boy did my Lexlings know how to find the best ones!  However I had already ploughed through Wide Awakes twice (still not reaching the end waiting for updates) and Clipped wings and Inked armour and I just couldn't be doing with another one - no matter how hot the BDSM scenes were meant to be.

And then it got published (I actually remember a couple of the Lexling's passing comment that she had found a publisher) and took women's lit by storm. I sat there adamantly refusing to be caught up in it. Until I was sat at Glasgow airport waiting for a flight and bought it on an impulse. 

I won't lie to you - I found it pretty hard to put down. Even as I was reading it and judging it harshly I just couldn't stop READING! What did they do, lace the pages with crack or something? 

So I finished the first one on a lazy Sunday morning and very nearly jumped on the bus down to the town to buy the next two! But that's where I made my stand - I refuse to give this woman any more money (£1million a week I read somewhere. Good grief who needs that kind of money!?) so I will wait patiently until I can borrow them from somewhere. Yes. Even when I walk into Sainsburys on a daily basis and there is a display selling them for £3 each. 

And here is why, and I can only apologise in advance. It is a bad book! It's bad. It's so badly written. It READS like a Twilight fanfic -woman did you pay an editor purely to change the names from Edward and Bella to Christian and Ana? You could've paid me for that. It's called "Ctrl + F" for f's sake! 

Talk about repetition. If I have to see the words "Bite that lip" "Inner Goddess" and the worst... "Down there" one more time I may kill someone. Again - its called a thesaurus - buy one!

Next topic: Unrealism. (Is that a word? It is now) Please ladies, tell me now:

a) How do you get to the age of 21 never having held hands or kissing a guy? Is there really ANYONE this innocent?
b) Yeah...that's what first times are like
c) Yeah....women come on demand all the time
d) Yeah.....when you were that innocent and inexperienced you get the most phenomenal orgasms all the time, every time, 3 times a day. 

Give me strength...

And I'm almost tempted to say "Don't get me started on the BDSM crap" But to be fair, it has got people - women - talking about their turn ons, fetishes, desires etc in a way that we probably never have before. You can start a discussion about it simply by saying "Have you read 50 shades - what did you think of the 'red room of pain'?" "Oh I like the idea of the blindfolds and cable ties - not so much the whips and suspension" or whatever. 

Talking is a good thing. We British can be far too repressed about sex and our fantasies and its time we started being a bit more open. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about orgies in the street here but a simple conversation about turn ons can go a long way for us all to have a bit more fun on a Friday night. (Or a Monday morning...or Thursday afternoon. Heck y'know what I mean!)

But this is my word of caution: Ladies WHY do you want a man like Christian Grey? The man's a complete twat. Does it come down to this love of bad boys and the convictions that we can change them? (As I'm sure will no doubt happen in book 3) Why do you want to change a man? There are so many nice ones - or at least not "50 shades of fucked up" ones - out there! The irony is beyond me. We spend all that energy as girls looking for "Prince Charming" only to grow up wishing he would drive off on a motorbike saying "Later's baby". 

Think about this - truly think about this for a moment - really analyse Christian Grey and tell me - if there was a man like that in your life would you not be telling him to shove it? No matter how "good looking" he supposedly is. I know I would be! 

My biggest bit of advice - find the nice normal guys who are willing to do a bit of Christian Grey role play. Best of both worlds without becoming a pathetic shell of a woman who only exists for her boyfriend like Bell...sorry "Ana". 

In searching for images to include on this blog post I came across this which I think perfectly sums up my point. I doth my cap to whoever wrote this! 

1 comment:

  1. Round of applause- excellently written! Words out of mouth! The only thing I'd add is that Ana, Bella, whoever needs to get some fucking confidence! What is it about these books showing supposedly innocent girls being given all their confidence by these "beautiful" albeit Fucked Up men? Baby, look in the mirror, you don't need no man to validate you!

    Sorry to go all "go girl" on your blog, but it really ticks me off. Yes, we love when men give us attention, and when a good looking one gives us the time of day we see fireworks! But damn it, you should feel beautiful regardless! And if you don't, go to counselling, read a self help book or two- anything but look for it in another person. Because real life stories don't always end in "happily ever after" and you need your sanity more than you need the man.

    *Rant End*


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