"You have no power over me"

People think the hardest bit after a break up is immediately after. The pain and suffering, and everyone clamors round then. Then over time they think: “she's ok”. But it's not the hardest bit.  The hardest bit is coming to terms with just how much you've lost, which takes weeks or months. And worse than that even is watching the person you adored more than anything change; becoming somebody that you used to know. 

To see their behavior change so drastically....or maybe it's not their behavior
that changes, just our perceptions. Because they are no longer someone we love
and cherish-maybe we now see so many behaviors’ that weren’t there before. 


 Right now I'm not sure if I choose to believe that. I know what I saw in the
man I loved. And now what pains me so is how different he is now.  


And I hate him for that. I hate that he has proven right every stereotype
about people who drink. I hate that he continually said how selfish he was
capable of being, and I refused to believe it - showed him in so many ways how
he wasn't...only to be proven wrong time and time again.



I hate to admit that maybe MY judgment was off? That I was so so wrong. 



And I hate to tell you this...but you did become just like my father. Not in
the drinking. But in the selfish, reckless, self destructive behavior. The
crying of "woe is me" only to reject anyone that shows love or
affection.  


I wanted to help you. Maybe in a deluded martyred way, I wanted to "save
you". I can’t do that. Only you can. If you choose to.  



And if you don't that's your loss. Because I trust my judgment. And I saw the
spark of a soul that has the ability to love, and be tender, be creative and
giving. I saw someone who could've set the world alight if he chose to.  


And what do I get in return for my positive judgment and for seeing what could
be there? 



Loneliness, self hatred and a feeling that it was me that was never good enough
or gave enough or loved enough. Because through my pain I was still able to
offer you the glimmer of hope you needed to pull you back from the edge. A
small gesture of things done that are remembered, loved and appreciated. And in
your self-destructive pity you can't even comprehend the idea that maybe I
needed something like that too, or that I needed a friend. Nope. You just
continue worrying about number 1 and just how "fine" you'll be.
You're good at that. And let's face it.  Nobody
else is going to be worrying about you.

I
just hope this time that when I say “I’m
done” and that  – I’m able to stick to that and
truly mean it. Because I need to be able to do that, for my own sanity. 

Day 1 - 10 things I wanted to be when I grew up

So I'm already failing...didnt blog yesterday because I was running errands and then me and Codaniel went to the cinema in the evening.

Btw - the $2 theatre is my new favourite place IN THE UNIVERSE!!!

So we already knew there is going to be a Rocky Horror Picture Show, Audience Participation this Friday and Saturday. And yes that means Codaniel and I will be donning corsets and heels and throwing condom wrapped hotdogs at the screen!

But on top of that, every weekend they are showing a cult classic. The following weekends until I leave are the following:

Hook

Lost Boys

Neverending Story and....

THE LABYRINTH!!! And Labyrinth is on my Birthday weekend! Can we say excited? Hell yeah we can!

I also forgot to mention that I 'borrowed' my 10 day challenge from a fellow "Loving-from-a-distance'-er Krista. You can follow her blog ...here

Ok, on to todays (well yesterdays...but I already said this wouldnt be 100%up to date!) topic.

10 things I wanted to be when I grew up

1) A teacher.
Me and my friend Kayleigh had big plans about moving to America to become an actress and a hairstylist to the stars. But to fund our big trip we would be teachers in the UK first. Ahh the well thought out plans of 7 years olds!

2) An Actress
This was my biggest one. As previously mentioned in blog posts this was what I wanted to do from the time I could walk. Probably even before that. I worked hard for it. Went to summer drama classes, BTECH in Performing Arts at college and numerous Drama School auditions. Then whilst performing in several shows when I was about 18 I kind of wondered if it really was something I wanted to continue doing. Who knows....maybe one day I'll return to it, but for now it was my childhood dream.

3) A Homeowner

I was saving for my own home, building my credit rating and looking into mortgages and interest rates since I was 18. It was always really funny watching my older colleagues or friends stare at me in amazement when they heard my life plan and in the same breath the fact that I was only 18.

Then I decided to go to America and became very emotionally involved in the best relationship of my life. o now us being together, and our wedding plans are much more important than owning my own home. As long as we have our own space together; rented or owned it wont matter.



4) A Mother
I've always wanted to be a mum. Although the very idea of childbirth absolutely terrifies me, I know that it will be completely worth it.

What is the appeal of children? Its such a deep rooted, inherently biological urge to ensure the continuation of the species. But there's such an emotional, loving urge to have them, care for them and look after them. And I guess I subscribe to that! :D I can't wait to have kids and a family of my own.

5) Happy

Above all else all I ever wanted was to be happy.

So thats pretty much it. I was always very focussed on my dreams, what I wanted and where I was going. Maybe I was an unimaginative child? Maybe I was just stubborn? Who knows? Whatever the case maybe right now I stick very stubbornly with number 5. When I grow up, I want to be happy.

So on that note, seeing as its now stuck in my head, I end on one of Codaniel's favorite songs. Dumb by Nirvana.

Day 1 - About me

Egh, I never know what to right about these things. I'll write them as they occur to me I suppose

Full name: Sarah Louise Goddard
Hometown: London baby!
Occupation: Charity fundraiser, Events Organiser, right now temping in a Supporter Care Team at a very large international charity.
Pets: Mitchell the cat in the UK, Jasper the kitten in the States
Significant Other: My Snowflake, Codaniel who currently resides in the States. We met on a forum over  a love of Twilight.
My family: Mum, Lil' Sister Jess, my nan and my aunt. That's about it...we're a small group!
Fav music: Ugh I totally suck at these things cos my taste is so varied. Right off the top of my head: Blue October, Queen, Johnny Flynn, Mumford and Sons aaaaannnnnd... SenorGimp :) hehe!

Fav movies: Basically all the ones I loved from my childhood! Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Land before Time and nearly all the Disney films. Back to the Future trilogy, Pirates of the Caribbean, Moulin Rouge, Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, Grease, Grease 2 - jeesh I could go on! :D


Fav books: I'm very disappointed that I dont read as much as I used to. But again heres a selection: Princess Bride, The Cat that came in from the cold, The time travellers wife, Narnia series, Harry Potter series, Twilight saga (although I dont know how much I could re-read it now though), Shakespeare, Animals of Farthing Wood, 1984, Animal Farm...that'll do for now!

Soooo I dont really know what else to say about me. I'm fairly savvy, intelligent enough, know my mind and how to speak it - but gaining the intelligence to know when, I'm pretty insightful and always enjoy being able to be there for someone else. I give a lot and will never begrudge it but it does sadden me when others then arnt there for me because I'll very rarely ask for help. I'm independent - more than capable of looking after myself (and anyone else that comes along to quote one of my fav characters!) but that doesnt mean I dont want to be taken care of.

I'm pretty upfront and honest so anything else you wanna know - just ask!