What to say...about today?

Sooo...this was meant to be much better, and encapsulate the enormity of the complicated feelings going on in my head and heart today.

As it is I havnt actually had much time to work on this - probably a good thing granted.

But anyway, here is my (pretty shitty) attempt to touch on today. Remember I am not and never claimed to be a poet ;)

Let's raise a glass one and all
To the things that rise
And the things that fall

Here's to the things
That shouldve been
The wishes i wished
And the dreams that I dreamed

Because life isn't easy
Life isn't fair
I ended up here
When I thought I'd be there

'It happens for a reason'
Is the things that I'm told
It's starting to get weary,
Starting to get old.

I KNOW that it does
That I'm better off out
But that doesn't stop the hurt
The pain and the clout.

So on this day in march
That should have been the start
I'm picking up the pieces
And slowly healing my heart

So let's raise a glass
To the new me I am
The smile on my face
And the lessons learnt
Because I know that im strong
I'm still standing tall
So with that in mind
Raise a glass...one and all

Lessons learnt

When you've cried, and hurt, and ached for so long, you eventually get to a point where you begin to question "What was the point?" "Was the X amount of time spent so happy  that I danced everywhere, worth the Y amount of time feeling like I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning."

And at some point after asking you have to realise: Yes. Yes it was. Because if something can make you so happy that you sing at work, run home, do dishes to pass the time -  take up running, quit your job, wakes you up in the morning with  goofy smile on your face, and true understanding of the saying "I'd rather be awake and fixing a problem than sleeping apart" kind of happy, then yeah it was worth it. Life's all about the rough with the smooth and the karma. And sometimes its not as obvious and black and white as this but sometimes it is. The same person that made you joyously happy can crash your world. 

But when it does, you just have to try (as hard as it may be) at some point to begin dusting yourself down and thinking about what the whole thing has taught you. Because it will have done. Maybe not huge, enlightening, epiphany life changing lessons. But during any experience - good or bad - we learn. It's one of our base human needs, to crave and absorb knowledge and information. 

And especially if your someone like me you crave knowledge about human interactions, life, and growth. 

So what have I learnt over the last two years or so? Through this whole thing beginning to end. Lets think about this:

* I learnt that alcohol is really not that big a deal to me. I can take it or leave it very easily and I don't need drink to have fun - even if everyone else is drinking. This is very comforting to me. Looking at the house I grew up in,and how much I drank at a young age this is very refreshing and "safe" to know. When I first stopped, although I knew I was strong enough to do it for him - I wondered how much it would bother or affect me. I can honestly say it didn't one bit. So now I can enjoy a drink when I want to, safe in the knowledge that (hopefully) it should never be a problem for me. 

* I learnt a hell of a lot about addiction. And even having grown up with it, talking to people, talking first hand to the addict....I learnt that nothing can prepare you for just how far they can fall and how blinded they are to it. I still don't know a hell of a lot. But I learnt it's definitely not black and white, and that there's only so much you can do.  

* I learnt how to accept someone 100%, past and all, faults and all. I went into this with a "Nothing will shock me" attitude - even before we got together, when I was a comforting shoulder. I wanted to be there, to be that rock that I could see he so badly needed. Maybe that was part of some overall issues. I'm not going to deliberate on that now. Bottom line is, I discovered just how much I could put myself to one side when I need to, and when I believe someone is worth it. When someone calls me selfish, or when my walls are caving in because I feel like that's all I ever am - I need to try and hold onto this and apply it more. 

* Linked in with that was learning just what it means to love someone unconditionally. I've loved before, I'm not ashamed to say that. But there was always an element of selfishness. Of me knowing best, and everything being done my way. Not that this was perfect, but for the first time I truly saw with unclouded eyes how to be selfless and unconditional in my love. Which is why I guess it hurts so much that it was the opposite of this is what I was told of why it went so wrong. I need to remember that whilst there may be an element of truth in that (because no-ones perfect) I need to hold onto the realisations I had within my own self about love and what it really means to love and sacrifice for someone. 

* I learnt just how much I can really know someone. Even now, when I don't know who you are any more, I see reasons, logic, emotions and thought processes behind your actions. Although you'd deny them I'm sure, I will hold true to the times when you looked at me in amazement at just how much insight I had into your head. And I won't forget how I did that. I listened. 

* I discovered that even when I'm getting nothing back - to keep telling someone the truth, and how you feel. They may not want to hear it, let alone reciprocate. But when all is said and done - I can walk away safe in the knowledge that I did everything I could to make sure that human being knows just how fucking loved they were. If they didn't or can't do the same - that's on their conscience not mine. 

* I learnt that I am not co-dependent or have a need to be with someone 24/7. A LDR is very refreshing in that way. Before the idea of not seeing someone everyday was out of the question. In my next relationship I will be secure and happy enough to not have to see him every single day. I know how nice it is to hold onto your own individuality, space, friends and interests. 

* I found out just how good I am at travelling alone. At looking after myself. Although I did also learn that it really sucks to have no-one drop you off or meet you at an airport. 

* I'm learning that I am actually not as hateful or vindictive as I act like I am. There's a lot of things I could have done or said since. A lot that many people are saying "I would've". And I'm saying "No I'm not that petty" - true. But also just because you were happy enough to hurt me - doesn't mean I have to be cruel enough to hurt you on every whim.

* I have limits on what I will accept and can stick to them even when all I wanted to do was say "Its ok forget about it  -its not important". It was important, I knew it, and it hurt, but I stuck to my guns. And I'm proud of myself. And I'd like to think my mum is too for what I did and said. As would my nan be if I could ever tell her without running the risk of her setting her East End Mafia to start an international incident :)

* I discovered that its ok to say "I'm not ok". I still have trouble verbalising it, but I'm getting better. I'm still not ok - not even close yet. But I'm better than I was, and I will be. 

* I learnt just how strong I am and can be. I'm still here, I'm still smiling, and I'm not afraid to love again with everything that I have to give. You didn't break me completely. Just took me out of commission for a while. 

Beauty stuffs - mascara

One of my favourite bloggers ever is Louise; Sprinkle of Glitter. I don't even remember how I stumbled across her blog but I'm so glad I did. She's British so is able to review and recommend British brands and the good old Boots deals which we of course love! Her videos and blogs make me smile with her randomness, positive attitude - and great beauty advice!

You can find her blog at http://sprinkleofglitter.blogspot.com and she is also on Twitter and Facebook.

This is one of her most recent videos where she states she is a "mascara whore" and asks for recommendations. I can relate to that muchly and started to write a far too long comment in response, deleted it and instead did a bit of a random blog post, because as you know I'm not normally about beauty etc because...quite simply I'm no expert at it and I learn all my stuff from gurus such as Louise and my wonderful Lexling Janny. (Check out her blog too if you don't already - we loves her!)

So Louise's mascara video is here: (I hope she doesn't mind me embedding it, I do like to get a bit fancy with embedding videos in my blog. If you mind Louise let me know and I'll just leave the link in instead)

So my response to Louise and my current mascara 'whoreings' are as follows:

First of all - I am quite a big lover of Maybelline mascaras. These are the three I am currently using.

"The Colossal Volume Express" - Yellow bottle.
This is one I've been using for many years and is sort of my mascara fail safe. I find the mascara doesn't clump on the bristles very much - even on the current one that I've had for AGES (I don't remember buying it!) and it fans my lashes out nicely.

"The Falsies Volume Express" - Purple bottle
I love this one because it really does appear to lengthen my lashes. I don't really know how, especially as my lashes arn't that long to start off with but its great! I find the tip a little thick for me to get to my tiny stuby lashes in the corners but that might be just me.

"The One by One Volume Express" - Pink/peach bottle
This one I'm not as sure about. It does separate my lashes out but it feels a little "rough" if that makes sense and it kinda sets my teeth on edge. I use this if I'm going for a very subtle look.

"YSL - Volume effect"
When I first got this as a gift I liked it more. Its ve-he-rey thick and I often find myself with clumps on my eyelids in the corners - but this could just as easily be due to my lack of skill. In Louise's words it is not "ageing gracefully" and has gone dry and quite clumpy with age. Shame because I think it was probably pretty expensive.

"Benefit - Bad Gal lash"
I have to say this is possibly my favourite at the moment. Again a gift so I don't know how much it costs (reason #2315 why I'm not a beauty blogger - most of my makeup are gifts, I dont buy myself much often!) - being Benefit it may be kinda pricey. I love the brush because its very soft, and tapers down into a fairly fine point which makes my clumsy hand a lot easier to get to the tiny corner lashes. Had it a while and it's still "liquidy" and smooth. If that makes sense?

So there we go, there is my little beauty  review, from one mascara lover to another. Hope you enjoyed it Louise! :)

New Hair!

So anyone that knows me will know that I've been blonde my whole life. I started off with VERY blonde hair as a little girl actually. (And a bad fringe even then....oh dear)

Over the years it got darker, leading to some highlighting....to varying degrees of success. I will never forgive my mum for making me look like a badger when I told her "Don't forget the roots" and she took that to mean paint a bliming line of bleach straight down my parting! Jeesh....still that wasn't as bad as the "Zoe fringe" my friends tried to cut for me. I wanted to look like this: (The one on the left)

I actually looked like....

Well, I don't think I HAVE a photo of what I really looked like, but lets just say there was a triangular (uneven) "parting" and a diagonal line of hair across my forehead. Took bloody years to grow out properly. You think this ones bad....it was MUCH worse!

Anway, so recently I was getting pretty bored of my ashy/blondey/light brown/Crayola doesnt make this colour! hair and thought about going for a whole new look. - Brunette!

An example of GOOD highlights!

Baring every hair disaster in mind you'd think I was pretty open about my hair huh? Well I'd been debating dyeing it causally since about the summer, seriously since about November and actually commiting to getting it done in the last week or so. Even if it takes me a while once I commit to something - I go for it!

Being kinda nervous and given my hair diabolicals in the past, I decided to be sensible about this one. I went to Rush and made an appointment with the Directer, Hayley, on the recommendation of my sister.

Having fine curly hair has always been a bit of an issue for me finding a hairdresser. Hairdressers with straight hair get freaked out - no idea how to deal with it. I even had one who straightened it, only to put curls back in with GHD's...I ask you?! But Hayley was awesome. With a head full of curls herself and a friendly and laid back nature I knew I was in safe hands.

And although it may have cost me a small fortune I am SO pleased with the results! And it's worth it - a girl needs to spoil herself sometimes right? And nothing makes a gal happier than knowing she has AWESOME hair!

The weirdest thing? It looks natural to me. I haven't freaked out or thought "Is that me?" once. In fact I think it makes me look older - in a good way - a "more mature" style and with the resyling of my fringe just an insy bit  more glamorous.

Needless to say I will be returning to Rush in future. And if any readers with curly hair go in there - tell them you were recommended by me and you get 50% off! (Leave me your email if you need to know my full name)