Life is in an ever changing state of flux - that's just the way of it. Whether we like change or not, things can never stay the same way forever.

I'm finding (and perhaps this is just me) that as I get older, things change so much the faster though. In the last 5 years for example things have changed so constantly, so quickly and so many times over that it makes my head spin just thinking about it.
And what has got me onto this train of thought? Hearing news of old friends and then being prompted to look back at old photos. Photos of friendships that at the time were the biggest reliable constant I have ever had outside of my family. And I find myself getting very nostalgic and sad looking at them. I think at a time of so much change in my life...at a time where I am coming out of a total....sandstorm of change and landing somewhere very different from where I thought I would be right now, I cast my mind back to when times were "simple". And for that I almost have to chastise myself a little. Remind myself about this post that I wrote in a moment of inspiration. I guess it doesn't help knowing that that's where I should've been right now too.


But the thing is it WAS simple then. Maybe what makes me sad right now is that my current perception of that group of people is that their lives are still...very much the same. Moved on sure, little bit older, little bit wider, but nonetheless all very similar (to an "outsiders eyes" at least) to 4 or 5 years ago.

I keep telling myself that life goes on, things change, and often even when its scary change leads to new and exciting things. But I tell you, I am a creature of habit. Right now there are too many things that are "new and exciting" (read as "difficult and scary") and what I wouldn't give for some familiarity and a flash back to being a carefree teenager where my biggest problems were "does he like me/does he not?"

No wait....got that thrown in too right now for good measure. To be honest, that's all part of the "new/difficult/exciting/scary aforementioned issues....scrap that for an idea then. Perhaps back to a time when that was at least my ONLY if not biggest problem. Despite what my angsty teenage mind would often concoct!

Please don't get me wrong. This is not an equally angsty "woe is me" pity party post. Instead just a reflection on a slight sadness that there is so much changing, so much going on and all I want is for a few carefree days just hanging out on Wanstead Flats gossiping and kicking a football around.

It doesn't help that some of my closest friends are so many thousands of miles away, and also have so much to contend with at the moment. I think we would all kill for a few days in the sunshine acting like 15year olds. Hell screw that, a few days away from all adult responsibilities eating ice-cream but also drinking cocktails because we're adults now and can do that!

I suppose I really do sound like an ungrateful brat because I have SO many wonderful friends right here, friends that I see and talk to often and love beyond belief. Friends that in the "grand scheme" are pretty new but are valued so much the more for it. Anyone ever notice how its really hard to make new friends as an adult? Its just with all this "grown up crap" that we all have to contend with there is a very limited time for carefree hours spent doing absolutely nothing, and talking about nothing of importance.

I'd like to end on an especially poignnt or thoughtful note....but I got nothing. So instead I shall leave you with this...

What's better than a cat purring contentedly on your lap? Two of them :)

"You have no power over me"

People think the hardest bit after a break up is immediately after. The pain and suffering, and everyone clamors round then. Then over time they think: “she's ok”. But it's not the hardest bit.  The hardest bit is coming to terms with just how much you've lost, which takes weeks or months. And worse than that even is watching the person you adored more than anything change; becoming somebody that you used to know. 

To see their behavior change so drastically....or maybe it's not their behavior
that changes, just our perceptions. Because they are no longer someone we love
and cherish-maybe we now see so many behaviors’ that weren’t there before. 


 Right now I'm not sure if I choose to believe that. I know what I saw in the
man I loved. And now what pains me so is how different he is now.  


And I hate him for that. I hate that he has proven right every stereotype
about people who drink. I hate that he continually said how selfish he was
capable of being, and I refused to believe it - showed him in so many ways how
he wasn't...only to be proven wrong time and time again.



I hate to admit that maybe MY judgment was off? That I was so so wrong. 



And I hate to tell you this...but you did become just like my father. Not in
the drinking. But in the selfish, reckless, self destructive behavior. The
crying of "woe is me" only to reject anyone that shows love or
affection.  


I wanted to help you. Maybe in a deluded martyred way, I wanted to "save
you". I can’t do that. Only you can. If you choose to.  



And if you don't that's your loss. Because I trust my judgment. And I saw the
spark of a soul that has the ability to love, and be tender, be creative and
giving. I saw someone who could've set the world alight if he chose to.  


And what do I get in return for my positive judgment and for seeing what could
be there? 



Loneliness, self hatred and a feeling that it was me that was never good enough
or gave enough or loved enough. Because through my pain I was still able to
offer you the glimmer of hope you needed to pull you back from the edge. A
small gesture of things done that are remembered, loved and appreciated. And in
your self-destructive pity you can't even comprehend the idea that maybe I
needed something like that too, or that I needed a friend. Nope. You just
continue worrying about number 1 and just how "fine" you'll be.
You're good at that. And let's face it.  Nobody
else is going to be worrying about you.

I
just hope this time that when I say “I’m
done” and that  – I’m able to stick to that and
truly mean it. Because I need to be able to do that, for my own sanity. 

Tuesday just gone

I didn't even realise what this Tuesday just gone was until today. Funny really when I thought that would be a really hard day. Turned out it was, but not in the nostalgic bittersweet way I thought. It was just a day where I was so angry.

I guess I've kinda accepted what your feelings towards me were. It saddens me to think that it probably wasn't as deep or as special as I thought. I feel foolish for believing that it was. But I've come to terms with it - for the most part. The bit I haven't come to terms with is if you realise what my feelings were.

I wasn't on the rebound, I was in a stable place in my own life, I was ready to love and care and commit and I did so, so deeply. And what saddens me is that you perhaps don't realise how much you were loved. Because I refuse to feel foolish about loving, and I refuse to be ashamed to say I felt what I felt. Being hurt and going through all that pain would be worth it if I could take away from it that you knew there was someone that would have done anything in the Universe for you. So that I know it wasn't all for nothing. Then perhaps I will be able to fully move forward.

But I need to try and not kid myself that thats going to happen. My biggest flaw is giving people too much credit. And maybe it is a flaw....but I would like to think that the rest of the world can believe in me as much as I believe in it.

So I'll go forward on my merry way; trusting, believing, loving, having faith, being uncynical and always looking for the best in people. And maybe one day soon I can have someone return that faith to me.

Or at very least I can travel that path knowing that I'm doing everything I can - even if it's not always appreciated.

Hello 2012!

Happy New Year everyone! 

I've got good feelings about 2012 on the whole. Sure I thought it was going to be a very different kind of year from the one it will turn out to be. Certain adventures I thought would happen now will not. But maybe other ones will instead. Regardless of where I thought it would go. The time will pass none the less and I plan to try and only have good feelings for the year as a whole.

To be honest its not got off to the best of starts. Nothing major events wise - just where my head and hearts been at. Not in the best of places, or the most positive of frames for the start of a new year to be perfectly honest with you gentle reader. (What is that from...? Series of Unfortunate Events?)

But....there's little things that make me smile. That make it easier. That help me weather the tougher moments. Sure some of them may not all be smart, but in life we cant always be smart. Sometimes we have to be a bit mad.

So I would like to propose a toast: "To smiles and to friendship. To talking, laughing and not worrying. To taking risks. And to having the guts to do something a little bit mad every now and again."