Saturday, 14 January 2012

Tuesday just gone

I didn't even realise what this Tuesday just gone was until today. Funny really when I thought that would be a really hard day. Turned out it was, but not in the nostalgic bittersweet way I thought. It was just a day where I was so angry.

I guess I've kinda accepted what your feelings towards me were. It saddens me to think that it probably wasn't as deep or as special as I thought. I feel foolish for believing that it was. But I've come to terms with it - for the most part. The bit I haven't come to terms with is if you realise what my feelings were.

I wasn't on the rebound, I was in a stable place in my own life, I was ready to love and care and commit and I did so, so deeply. And what saddens me is that you perhaps don't realise how much you were loved. Because I refuse to feel foolish about loving, and I refuse to be ashamed to say I felt what I felt. Being hurt and going through all that pain would be worth it if I could take away from it that you knew there was someone that would have done anything in the Universe for you. So that I know it wasn't all for nothing. Then perhaps I will be able to fully move forward.

But I need to try and not kid myself that thats going to happen. My biggest flaw is giving people too much credit. And maybe it is a flaw....but I would like to think that the rest of the world can believe in me as much as I believe in it.

So I'll go forward on my merry way; trusting, believing, loving, having faith, being uncynical and always looking for the best in people. And maybe one day soon I can have someone return that faith to me.

Or at very least I can travel that path knowing that I'm doing everything I can - even if it's not always appreciated.

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