Anger and hurt

To be honest I can't allow myself to hurt anymore. Its been heading this way for weeks, I've known it. and denied it. Call it self preservation, call it stupidity, call it what you want. But I've hurt so much over the last few weeks, and last few days alone I dont have anything left in me. I dont know how to hurt any more.

So I revert back to what I know....anger. I need to be angry because I know how to deal with that. I know how to pass blame, and declare righteousness. Hurting means being vulnerable. And I cant make myself vulnerable to him anymore.

So yeah. I DO deserve better! I need to not blame myself for who I am and "driving someone away" because of it. Someone should love me BECAUSE of my flaws, not in spite of them. You cant deal with my firecracker personality? You cant accept that my go to response is anger and defensiveness? Instead of guiding me and helping me be a better person (which is what I saw so much in you....helping me to be a better person....you were my inspiration) you push me away and say that "You deserve to be happy" and "You cant live your whole life like that" Well I cant live MY whole life with someone that dosn't want me, let alone want me and love me for who I am.

And I tried SO hard for you! I went through SO MUCH! I gave you everything I had and a whole lot more I didnt know I could. Today, after everything I've been going through, the first thing I did was be there for you. We talked for an hour about you, your drinking, where your head space has been at the last few months. Your response? "Damn you really know me. You know me too well" Your damn fucking straight it was too well. I know you so well I could sit and tell you everything you've been thinking and feeling for the last few months, even when you've shared very little. And you couldn't tell me SHIT about myself! You couldn't even comfort me when I sat there spilling my heart out to you. And not for the first time either. How many times have I put my heart on the line, telling you things about myself, my fears and insecurities that I've never told anyone and you just sit there in silence.

And why? Because your selfish! You are a selfish prick! You remember when you said you were poison to women? Well I think your totally right. You dont know a good thing when you've got it, you dont know how to be there for someone else, ultimately you think the world owes you something that you shouldn't have to work for.

Well here's the reality check. Life is HARD! I tried to explain to you that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And what because the last few months have been hard you decide thats going to be your whole life and thats too much? You cant cope with that?! Well fuck you then - run away, be a coward!

Because I will work hard. I will believe that anything worth having is worth working hard for. And if someone isnt prepared to put the work in ever then I shouldnt have to compensate for that.

And I wont. I'm done. I'm done I'm done. I fought with everything I had right up until the last minute. Talk about going down swinging...lets just be glad this wasnt a spectator sport.

And I dont know whats going to happen next week when I'm there. Because a small part of me. the part that IS the eternal optimist despite me saying that I dont believe anymore...that tiny part of me STILL wants to believe in true love, and happy ever afters, and one look in someones eyes fixing everything.

But even if that is the case...I dont know if you know the words to say to bring us back from the point of extinction. Because I actually dont know what they are myself anymore. I'd just like to have a tiny glimmer of hope that they are still there.

But if not...I have a feeling your never going to allow yourself to be happy. Because everything is always going to be too hard. So you know what? Go back to when your life was "easy" get drunk all day, and fuck around with friends, and drift from place to place with no real meaning or substance. Because that was easy wasnt it? That didnt require any hard work did it? But were you happy then?

And maybe. Just maybe. One day you'll look at your life, look at what we could have had and realise.

But right now I cant think about everything we planned and everything that we could have been and could have had. Because thats one sure fire way to push me over the brink of hurting too much to know how to deal with it.

the thing that hurts me the most, that I cant get  my head around...is why you would ask me to marry you? How could you be so cruel? Asking someone to marry them means you want to go through everything with them. The rough and the smooth, your telling that person "I want to be there next to you. Always"

And to take that all away....to promise me the world and my hopes and dreams, and to throw it away because you dont think we can make it. What is that? I ask you - seriously? What is that?

And you cant even tell me why?! Your only answer "You did make me happy" What changed? Stress's that we were going through? We were both going through a lot the last few months. Maybe we took on too much at once between us. But to throw it all away because of that?

The hardest thing is not understanding. I dont know where your heads at....I dont know what your thinking. And you wont tell me.

And ironically I've come full  circle. Listening to 30 Seconds to Mars after a painful break up. Thats what brought me to the Lex and you in the first place. Only now the words have to much more meaning. And pain.

Being Strong

Strength is a funny thing. All of us have the capability to be strong. When the going gets tough to find that inner courage to get you through the difficulties. The intelligence, creativity, inspiration, emotional upholding and general "Never quit" attitude that when you come out the other side makes you feel proud and alive and fulfilled.

But what about the strength to be weak? To admit when you need help? To ask for it? To say "I cant do this alone"?

Because admitting you need help is a whole other kind of strength. To put your faith and hope on someone else's shoulders and let them carry you, trusting that they wont drop you and help you through it.

What about when you don't have that person to turn to? Or when they (for whatever reason) arn't strong enough to help you.

What about when you stand screaming for help and they still don't realise how badly you need them? When they feel that you blame them for everything going wrong when really you just need something to blame and you wish they would ignore the yelling and see the pain going on inside.

Then what when they cant/wont help you? Admit that you need help but dont have anyone around? Or try and re-find that inner strength to keep going as you did before? Will that make you stronger in the long run or eventually lead to the cracks turning into fractures and completely tearing you apart?

What if after being strong for SO long, you don't know how to just let it go?

How do you find a different way to tell someone you need help, you need them, and your not as strong as they think you are when that's exactly how you told them and they still dont hear it?

And how many days can you call in sick to work to try and find a way to deal with it without getting fired?

Tragedy in London

On Friday it came to light that the previous week a young man had been shot and killed by police in London. the original story stated that he had fired a gun at police, and they shot back.

The family were not provided with any further details, evidence or proof. They staged a peaceful (if loud and understandably angry) protest outside the police station in their local borough.

They were continually given misinformation by police, although to be fair the front line "minion officers" seemed to be being given misinformation themselves. The family were told that the chief commisioner was on his way to give more information....and he never turned up.

The protest turned into a riot; anger at the lack of information given by police.

The family still dont have answers and apparently this mans children dont even know that their father is gone yet because they have no reason why to tell them.

It is now appearing that the bullett that was "shot at police" (and lodged in a radio - harming noone) and the bullett that killed this young man are the same.

This is tragedy enough. A severe case of failure on the part of the people that are meant to keep London safe.

But an even greater tragedy is the sick, twisted behavior by far too many "anarchists". These anarchists are not airing their views against enforced authority. They are thoughtless, petty, opportunistic criminals. Cowards hiding under their hoodies looking for any excuse to cause mayhem, havoc and a quick quid by looting shops. (and of all shops to be looted one of them was a pound shop for crying out loud!)

This building had 26 homes. Homes now lost and 26 families made homeless, losing all of their possessions and just barely escaping with their lives. 

Tonight there are families who have lost their homes. Families with innocent children. And this wasnt caused by a grieving relative, but by some cowardly "yoofs" proving how "hard" they are by throwing an explosive at a building and running for the hills.

Yeah - made of really tough stuff there arnt you?

It makes me sick. Sick to be a londoner, sick to be a young person, almost sick to be a human being when you see this appaling behaviour.

But dispite all the tradgedy, violence, pain and fear in London tonight we MUST try to remember:

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

Mahatma Gandhi

Although this seems to be a pretty big oil slick in the ocean of humanity right now. 

BBC London are generally the most reliable sources for whats happening right now. 

But for now I leave you with two songs that are all two appropriate right now. 

Life update - a lots been happening!

So as always - bad blogger, not blogged for months. Slap on wrist - yadda yadda yadda.

To be fair though this time I have an excuse because there has been a LOT going on! So here is a general rambling about my life at present.

New Job
Its full time, its a great salary, its a great cause. (Yup still in the charity fundraising sector of course) My manager is an absolute sweetie, and the role can become whatever I make of it really with her help and support. Rest of the organisation is a little...frustrating to say the least due to some old fashioned views and ways of working but I think it can be worked on/around. Luckily as I said the manager is awesome so at least I know I always have her support if I end up with a fight on my hands about anything.

And the new job led to...

New home!
I dont need to tell you that I've been needing my own space for QUITE a while now. I love my family, I truly do, I just always knew that I would love them more and have a much better relationship with them when we wernt in each others hair and under each others feet every second of every day!

So I found somewhere that is walking distance to work and absolutely GORGEOUS! Its a tad expensive, especially when paying for a wedding too but I think I will just about manage if I'm frugal with it.

Its SO worth the price though. Its a very roomy, open and airy two bedroom place and the best bit about it is - it has a massive walk in wardrobe! And actually now I've got all the furniture in it seems EVEN bigger!

I cant wait for Codaniel and Jasper to be here with me though. Its very weird to go from a crazy, always busy house to your own secluded space. Especially as the area is so quiet too. Dont get me wrong I'm not complaining - I love the quiet and the fact that its now MY space but its very weird.

Definitely need my other half and obnoxious little kitten to make it truly feel like home.

I'll take some pictures when there are less boxes everywhere and post them soon.

Wedding planning

Its all coming along nicely. I'm always surprised by how much has actually been done really early on, but also by how much there is left to do! Eek!

Not really been focussing on it too much at the moment with the move and job and stuff so I'll get to it.

I think I "may" have found the dress. I'm being conservative in case I find something better but there is one that I absolutely adore and think I will like again even more when I go back and try it on again! Ssh! Its top secret for the moment though - and of course will continue to be for all but a select few until the wedding day in case Codaniel accidently see.

Travel Plans
I'm heading to the States in 10 days! Only for a week sadly :( but we're going to really try and make the most of it. We have some wedding planning stuff booked in and then the rest of it will be just us relaxing. Including for my babys birthday where we have a very relaxing couple of days planned.

Then I'll be back again for 3 weeks in October/November where we will also be jetting off to McMegs Wedding! VERY excited about that!

Soooo yeahh. Thats about everything thats been going on in my life lately. Not that I've been overly busy or anything! :D