Faith

On this, Christmas night, one of the most holy/special/poignatnt times of the year my mind turns to Faith. Whilst I have never affiniated myself with any particular religion or deity, there are some imoprtant thing in this world that I have always had faith in.

I have faith in loyalty, honesty, friendship and laughter. Faith in love, kindness and above all - in humankind. Faith that no matter how bad things can seem, these traits remain a solid foundation in our lives and if we can hold strong in our belief in them, and have actions that prove them - the world will always seem a little brighter.

The one thing in that list that I have always held most dear is love. Now love is all encompassing but above all I have always believed in love conqueringg all. And in true selfless love not only exisiting but showing itself to us when we are ready. Call me idealistic, call me naive - I believe in in and my belief in it makes my heart sing.

And so the most terrifying thought to me over the last few months, has been the concern that I would lose my faith in love. And in turn, because I had had my faith so harshly tested - begin to lose faith in everything else.

I'm not going to lie to you dear readers - I came close. All too close. So close it scared me. But I held on to a tiny little glimmer of hope and belief in the goodness of the world.

And what happened next restored my faith in everything I had before tenfold. I've told you before that I can never adequately thank my friends and family for the last few months. Not for any particularly huge gestures or actions, but for the millions of tiny ones that filled my heart every day.

For every text, offer of a cup of coffee, heartfelt concerned PM, every hug and every giggle about something completely unrelated - I am so thankful. Because not only did I feel cared for in my time of need, but I have never felt more loved in all my life.

And on top of that, I asked the universe to allow me not to lose faith in the ability to find love. To someday find an intelligent partner, someone that cares, someone that could make me smile. I asked the universe to try and ensure that this setback didnt turn my life onto a path of loneliness in a house with a hundred cats and no hair products. And it even had the ability to ensure I did not lose faith in that either.

So in a funny way my faith in faith alone has given me new reasons to smile, to be positive, to laugh and to have a little twinkle in my eye at the thoughts of new possibilities.

And so, as I settle down to sleep and prepare for Christmas 2011, I would like to send a little message of thanks to every single person that has touched my life. I truly hope you all have faith in something. Whether it be religion, science or love, believe in something bigger. Because in the words of George Michael...You gotta have Faith!

And thank you to the Universe. In things bigger than me, in little signs that show me the world is a good place to be, and for giving me the strength, positivity and love to celebrate Christmas day with loved ones tomorrow.

And finally:

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!

Room for emotions

Before I start I need to just apologise for the mess of this blog at the moment. I want a cool layout, and I'm loving the desk/notebook/scrabook/pinboard look (I've always loved that sort of stuff) but I dont know enough HTML to make my own, and the templates I've downloaded need tweaking.

If your HTML savvy and have some spare time - feel free to design me something awesome and I will love you forever! Anyways....moving on.

Human emotions....they're a funny old thing arnt they?

I think the thing I'm finding weirdest at the moment, is how many different emotions I am currently able to hold in my heart, and how much I swing from one to the next.

How is it possible to feel so insanely blessed and surrounded by love and people that care, yet feel so lonely and isolated from people who should care?

How can I go from insanely happy, embracing life and looking at the positives, to thinking the world is insane and wondering what is WRONG with some people and their lack of logic let alone compassion and empathy?

And how....someone please tell me how.....a heart has enough room for love, sadnesss and anger all at the same person and THEN, as if that wasn't enough conflicting emotion to contain at once, also have the space for a little glimmer of a smile edging in at the corner? A completely unrelated smile. A smile that makes you forget everything else for a few short hours. Only to have pain come flying out of left field when making a cup of tea and remembering a lost memory that never happened?

Figuring things out...

Right now he should've been boarding a plane to begin a new life here. Instead I've fought to be added back on Facebook (or all things) so logistics and clear up of things can be arranged...oh how times change. 


But the thing is...I think I'm figuring something out. 


I knew you. I REALLY really knew you. I knew you better than I have ever known anyone in my whole life. The woman that values her friends and family above all else sometimes cant work out her own sister, or know when her best friend is hurting or why. But this woman knew every thing about you. Could always work out why you said what you said or did what you did...and not just "why" but the whole back story and thought process on it. 


I'm not sure if I ever even know that much about myself....


And thats on top of the selfless, unconditional love that I gave to him. I had always thought I knew about love. But I didnt. I learnt a lot with him. A lot about how loving someone is working together, giving and giving because you want to - not because your expected to or because you expect it back. But because by giving your all: your love and affection, kindness and passion to that person makes you happy because your being everything you can for them. Safe in the knowledge that it'll come back to you, but that not being the reason why. 


And I think now whats hurting me....is that instead of being proud of myself. Proud of allowing myself to grow and put someone else first, and love unconditionally and without selfishness...I'm hating myself. Hating that it was all for nothing, all wasted, and worst of all - probably all unappreciated. 


And I REALLY shouldnt hate myself. Its not my fault that you dont want it; dont want me. But I hate that I pride myself on my judgement of character, that I defended you so unrelentingly, (but also without needing to - I wasnt defensive, I just accepted and loved you for you and therefore everyone else did too) and I was so so wrong. 


Not wrong because it ended, or because of what you did. But for how your continuing to allow it to end. 


You meant so much to me, I always thought that you would hold onto a small piece of my heart. Not a big bit, not an important bit that would stop me moving on and loving someone else. But a small little corner would always be yours, and when occasionally my mind strayed to that corner, it would smile wistfully at everything that we shared, remember the good times and be thankful that they happened before carrying on with my life again. And I wanted that so that I knew that the love we had, and what I gave you was unconditional and selfless and meant something. 


But you've done so much and ended it so harshly over and over again, I cant even have that. I'll now always look back on the first time I loved someone so honestly and freely and truly with anger and hatred. Which flies clear in the face of what the love was. And that taints it more than your cruelty ever could.

I hope your happy with that. I hope your proud of your ability to damage and destroy even the most pure of things. You have the luxury of never doubting for a second that you were loved and cared for. You were told it every single day (even if you chose not to hear it) and in varying formats you've heard it consistenty since.  Whereas I am left to question and doubt everything I was, everything I gave and everything I was told. Thats not a nice position to be in. All I can say is I'm glad I'm strong and have amazing friends and family around me. Because it would have totally broken a lesser woman than me.

Here's to strong women, and having the power to not even let ourselves destroy us - let alone the men we gave our hearts to.