Homesickness (belated now non-relevant post)

So...I had a blog post on something quite emotional that I'd been wanting to write for a while. It was actually the one I'd written on my old iPhone and was very upset when it got wiped.

But now, when I actually have an inspirational moment to blog - the emotions have run their course and I'm basically kinda over it.

Nonetheless its been bugging me that I didnt get it out on my blog so I thought "sod it" and I'll do a quick recap of the main points...and a pondering on whats making me feel better about the whole thing.

When I went to New York (see I told ya it'd been up there for a while!) I realised I was suddenly very homesick. And not for London either. Driving through Queens in the cab and seeing all the individual little houses, with their yards and distinctly "American" icons (red wagons etc) I was suddenly very homesick for Colorado. And it didn't get any easier with our day trip to Huntingdon which was SO much like Fort Collins it made my heart ache. (Appropriate I was going to Blue October I suppose)

Homesickness is a weird one, I've never had it before I don't think. In my various travels across the states, school holidays, trips with friends, I never found myself missing the familiar like that, and it hurting so much, thinking that it would only ease when back at home. But all of a sudden, here it was, out of the blue.

Roald Dahl had an excellent quote on this:

"Homesickness is a bit like seasickness. You don’t know how awful it is until you get it, and when you do, it hits you right in the top of the stomach and you want to die. The only comfort is that both are instantly curable."

And it didnt stop in New York either. Coming back there were so many random things that would remind me of Colorado. The rare London blue sky, a song on the radio, heck the smell of the wind would often send me flying back to that small town, with the sun on my back and the mountains in my eyeline.

I think it was the mountains I missed most. There was something so oddly comforting about them.

Of course some people could argue that I was missing the people, the person, the freedom or a combination of these things. "How can you be homesick for somewhere that was never 'really' home?" The short answer is I dont know. But I know at one point I even (randomly) considered taking a trip there - not to see anyone but just to be back there. How crazy is that? 

So there was a whole lot more emotion and stuff I wanted to say tied up in this post, but weirdly, almost as strongly as it came on....it stopped. One day I suddenly realised it was just a place with a lot of good memories that I am sad to know I will not likely go back to, but that's it.

I'm not quite sure where. I have a funny feeling it was somewhere around the time I heard about the awful forest fires raging through the foothills of the town. It was awful and tragic and I was concerned for those I know living there, but at the same time...it was ok. Maybe that was just a coincidence that the timing of that fitted in with something else....

Fort Collins, I love you. I found you quaint, comforting, historical, amusing, beautiful, breathtaking and most of all...home. For a short period in my life, you were a new place in the world, that I could honestly feel safe to come back to - even when so far away from so much of what I knew and loved. It pained me each time I left, but never more so than the last time, knowing I would likely never see those mountains again. Thank you for being there for me, and for hosting a multitude of memories.

Old friends

It hurts that we lost, what I thought were such strong friendships.

It hurts that they didn't fight for me, or seem to care that I was gone from their lives.

It hurts that I wasn't there to celebrate with them on the happiest days of their lives.

I want so bad to get in touch again...but I can only fight so hard for people that wouldn't fight for me. I'm sure they see it differently, but that's my truth, and you can either choose to believe it or disregard it.

It seems that I was so easily replaced. But I haven't yet worked out by who.

It hurts that one of them should be my best friend no matter what.

But it hurts most that she has't even heard my side of it yet. That she doesn't seem to care either.

The one person who should hear out my side, but actually should be on my side regardless.

She spends more time with them than she does with me.

The memories and lost friends I can get over. Because times change and things move on.

But what should be an unshakeable relationship that seems to be lost by the day....that's what really hurts.

What to say...about today?

Sooo...this was meant to be much better, and encapsulate the enormity of the complicated feelings going on in my head and heart today.

As it is I havnt actually had much time to work on this - probably a good thing granted.

But anyway, here is my (pretty shitty) attempt to touch on today. Remember I am not and never claimed to be a poet ;)

Let's raise a glass one and all
To the things that rise
And the things that fall

Here's to the things
That shouldve been
The wishes i wished
And the dreams that I dreamed

Because life isn't easy
Life isn't fair
I ended up here
When I thought I'd be there

'It happens for a reason'
Is the things that I'm told
It's starting to get weary,
Starting to get old.

I KNOW that it does
That I'm better off out
But that doesn't stop the hurt
The pain and the clout.

So on this day in march
That should have been the start
I'm picking up the pieces
And slowly healing my heart

So let's raise a glass
To the new me I am
The smile on my face
And the lessons learnt
Because I know that im strong
I'm still standing tall
So with that in mind
Raise a glass...one and all

Winds of change

There's a smell in the air. A smell of nostalgia....and sadness.

I don't know what it is or what's causing it, but I've noticed it on the last few evenings of my walk home.

At dusk, just after the sun has set and the workday has ended, I'm met with a smell laced with a hint of memories.

I can't quite place what memories - my orafactory sense isnt quite engaged.

But there is wistfulness and sadness in there. Of lost loves and friendships gone and happy go luckychildhood memories.

It's probably causes by the weather, the wind and the changing seasons. That combined with this time of year which in my mind has always been the beginning. Just as the days are noticeably longer, and spring is just around the corner yet it's still dark and cold enough to justify a sense of melancholy.

Who knows....maybe the dementors are about? Seeing as all i can think about is getting home to a massive mug of steaming hot chocolate it's more than likely.

But whatever it is - it's very strange. And only really seems to hit me when I'm outside at this time of day.

Life is in an ever changing state of flux - that's just the way of it. Whether we like change or not, things can never stay the same way forever.

I'm finding (and perhaps this is just me) that as I get older, things change so much the faster though. In the last 5 years for example things have changed so constantly, so quickly and so many times over that it makes my head spin just thinking about it.
And what has got me onto this train of thought? Hearing news of old friends and then being prompted to look back at old photos. Photos of friendships that at the time were the biggest reliable constant I have ever had outside of my family. And I find myself getting very nostalgic and sad looking at them. I think at a time of so much change in my life...at a time where I am coming out of a total....sandstorm of change and landing somewhere very different from where I thought I would be right now, I cast my mind back to when times were "simple". And for that I almost have to chastise myself a little. Remind myself about this post that I wrote in a moment of inspiration. I guess it doesn't help knowing that that's where I should've been right now too.


But the thing is it WAS simple then. Maybe what makes me sad right now is that my current perception of that group of people is that their lives are still...very much the same. Moved on sure, little bit older, little bit wider, but nonetheless all very similar (to an "outsiders eyes" at least) to 4 or 5 years ago.

I keep telling myself that life goes on, things change, and often even when its scary change leads to new and exciting things. But I tell you, I am a creature of habit. Right now there are too many things that are "new and exciting" (read as "difficult and scary") and what I wouldn't give for some familiarity and a flash back to being a carefree teenager where my biggest problems were "does he like me/does he not?"

No wait....got that thrown in too right now for good measure. To be honest, that's all part of the "new/difficult/exciting/scary aforementioned issues....scrap that for an idea then. Perhaps back to a time when that was at least my ONLY if not biggest problem. Despite what my angsty teenage mind would often concoct!

Please don't get me wrong. This is not an equally angsty "woe is me" pity party post. Instead just a reflection on a slight sadness that there is so much changing, so much going on and all I want is for a few carefree days just hanging out on Wanstead Flats gossiping and kicking a football around.

It doesn't help that some of my closest friends are so many thousands of miles away, and also have so much to contend with at the moment. I think we would all kill for a few days in the sunshine acting like 15year olds. Hell screw that, a few days away from all adult responsibilities eating ice-cream but also drinking cocktails because we're adults now and can do that!

I suppose I really do sound like an ungrateful brat because I have SO many wonderful friends right here, friends that I see and talk to often and love beyond belief. Friends that in the "grand scheme" are pretty new but are valued so much the more for it. Anyone ever notice how its really hard to make new friends as an adult? Its just with all this "grown up crap" that we all have to contend with there is a very limited time for carefree hours spent doing absolutely nothing, and talking about nothing of importance.

I'd like to end on an especially poignnt or thoughtful note....but I got nothing. So instead I shall leave you with this...

What's better than a cat purring contentedly on your lap? Two of them :)

"You have no power over me"

People think the hardest bit after a break up is immediately after. The pain and suffering, and everyone clamors round then. Then over time they think: “she's ok”. But it's not the hardest bit.  The hardest bit is coming to terms with just how much you've lost, which takes weeks or months. And worse than that even is watching the person you adored more than anything change; becoming somebody that you used to know. 

To see their behavior change so drastically....or maybe it's not their behavior
that changes, just our perceptions. Because they are no longer someone we love
and cherish-maybe we now see so many behaviors’ that weren’t there before. 


 Right now I'm not sure if I choose to believe that. I know what I saw in the
man I loved. And now what pains me so is how different he is now.  


And I hate him for that. I hate that he has proven right every stereotype
about people who drink. I hate that he continually said how selfish he was
capable of being, and I refused to believe it - showed him in so many ways how
he wasn't...only to be proven wrong time and time again.



I hate to admit that maybe MY judgment was off? That I was so so wrong. 



And I hate to tell you this...but you did become just like my father. Not in
the drinking. But in the selfish, reckless, self destructive behavior. The
crying of "woe is me" only to reject anyone that shows love or
affection.  


I wanted to help you. Maybe in a deluded martyred way, I wanted to "save
you". I can’t do that. Only you can. If you choose to.  



And if you don't that's your loss. Because I trust my judgment. And I saw the
spark of a soul that has the ability to love, and be tender, be creative and
giving. I saw someone who could've set the world alight if he chose to.  


And what do I get in return for my positive judgment and for seeing what could
be there? 



Loneliness, self hatred and a feeling that it was me that was never good enough
or gave enough or loved enough. Because through my pain I was still able to
offer you the glimmer of hope you needed to pull you back from the edge. A
small gesture of things done that are remembered, loved and appreciated. And in
your self-destructive pity you can't even comprehend the idea that maybe I
needed something like that too, or that I needed a friend. Nope. You just
continue worrying about number 1 and just how "fine" you'll be.
You're good at that. And let's face it.  Nobody
else is going to be worrying about you.

I
just hope this time that when I say “I’m
done” and that  – I’m able to stick to that and
truly mean it. Because I need to be able to do that, for my own sanity. 

My best friend

I was engaged, to my best friend in the whole world. To the one person I believed would always be by my side, be there for me. And most of all - always laugh with me.

I miss my best friend. I miss having someone to always talk to about my day, to share the random inner workings of my mind with. To act goofy with. Whether it was impersonating sitcom characters, singing idiotic songs or dressing up in drag and going to the Rocky Horror Picture show with.

Right now I miss him, not our relationship, but our friendship. He said we hadn't been "friends" for a long time, that we'd lost that. And I miss that so much. It feels so lonely.

And right now I have some of the BEST girlfriends a gal could ever ask for. The last week with Megs was easily one of the best vacations ever. She definitely saved me from getting lost in my own head and solitude, she made me laugh and remember what it is to have fun again. I'm honored that I was able to stand with her on her wedding day and watch her marry her best friend. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever witnessed and I feel so touched to have been there. Becca is dealing with a lot of stuff herself and she has still been able to offer me her continual owl-like wisdom, encouragement and smiles. Not to mention all of my many many amazing friends who have made sure I know they are there for me and only a phone call, skype or coffee away. I hope they all know how special they are to me.

But somehow (and I dont mean to sound ungreatful in the slightest, because I could never put into words the love and appreciation I have to every single one of these special people) its not quite the same. Your partner will and always should be your best friend, the person that isnt going anywhere and will support and defend you beyond all others. I dont ever claim to be abe to rival my McMuppett consorts, nor would I want to (unless they ever hurt them. In which case hell hath no fury. But my McMuppetts have very excellent taste and judgement and I couldnt in a million years imagine either consort even dreaming of hurting their beloveds) And I thought I'd found mine. But it turns out I hadn't. And that thought is so lonely and saddening its almost overwhelming.

And I keep being told that I deserve better, and that the right person is out there. But its so hard to believe that. Only because I cant picture them y'know? Anytime I picture my best friend, the person that will always cuddle me at the end of a long day and make me giggle by doing something silly...I picture him.

Except...its the him he used to be. And the us we used to be. Because he's not there anymore. I dont know what happened, what changed. But the man that I loved is long since gone. And I wish I knew when he left and where I could find him. And I wished that he'd told me he was leaving so I could say goodbye. I feel like the man I said goodbye to a few weeks ago was just a representation.

And maybe one day my best friend will come back. Maybe he'll want to be friends again...sharing a chocolate milkshake, singing "I fooouuunndd it" and putting on stockings and make up with me to watch a strange movie from the 70s. But I cant truly believe that. I'd like to....but I really think he's gone.

But how do I find a new best friend, when everything about myself, my loves, hopes, fears, dreams, randomness and appreciations were all shared with him? How can I share them with someone new, as if they were new? How can I not be reminded of him and a shared memory or experience at almost everything I love and do?

And how am I supposed to get through every day feeling like its just me that feels like this? That this isnt hurting him, that he isnt thinking of the time we fed chipmunks, or the time we sung to random people in Old Town, or the times he would sit and brush my hair while we watched Doctor Who or the million and one other moments that made up our lives together? He's just thinking that its easier now to be alone because the risk of being hurt is eliminated. He's enjoying his life as if I never existed and we never were something that we believed could never be changed or erased. .

But being alone is the worst kind of hurt ever. And I just hope that one day someone will be able to revive my faith in best friends, in not being lonely, and give me new moments to smile and reminisce about.

Stop and smell the flowers

Never ever forget to appreciate what you have right now. Right in front of you. Savour every last second.

Because I always believed we deserved the best, deserved everything to be perfect - I didnt always realise when things were perfect.

Not that I didnt appreciate so much. I did. I appreciated a hell of a lot. So much that was done for me, said to me, and memories created. There was so much I had to be greatful for. And I always was. I just wasnt always vocal about it, and instead talked about what "wasnt right", because I believed we deserved everything to be perfect and the very best it could be.

And that meant I didnt always take the time to see what was right in front of me. How happy I was...how happy we were. And I wish I had. I wish I hadnt spent so much time thinking forward and wanting to make things better, and instead realised when they were so good. Because maybe then we wouldnt be here. Or lack of here for that matter.

And I'm not putting all blame on myself. Getting to here was a two way street. And not getting out of here is pretty much a one way street. Because I dont know what else I could have done or said. I tried as hard as I could. But it was probably too late.

I just wish I could rewind and appreciate all of the smiles and laughs when they were happening instead of looking at photos and wishing they could be re-created.

Memories

Lifes a funny old thing. When your there in the moment, living it; it feels like it's gonna last forever.

The friends, relationships, job, nights out, nights in, laughs, giggles. It feels great and amazing,

And then life changes. As it must. For us to learn and grow and often go on to bigger and better things.

But sometimes when life gets tough we find ourselves thinking back, looking at old photos and saying "life was better and easier back then".

But when your looking at photos, reminiscing about what once was you forget that your only seeing the highlights, the best bits. We very rarely take photos in the moments of sorrow. It's hard to get a good group shot when. half the group is fighting about something and you don't want to take photos of the nights in watching the telly.

But just because they're not evidenced doesn't mean they didn't happen. And that's what we need to remember when we say "things were better then" because they wernt, they were just different, And they wernt necessarily the best days of our lives. There was still pain and unhappiness and loneliness. The photos are just the happy moments of days gone by.

So if you find yourself stuck in that place, wishing you were back were you were take a moment to reflect on where you are now,

The new friends you've made, new loves you've found, new job, new house, new kids, new car. Newness! Brand spanking sparkly new things to make memories about. A new stage in your life with lessons to learn and people to meet.

AND if your really lucky, the truly important people from your past are still there too. And if they're not, they are where they were always meant to end up; As happy memories.

(Sun 19th) Day 17 – My favorite memory

Hmm thats really tough. Generally speaking my memory sucks. This is why I take so many pictures!

It totally depends on who I'm with, I have lots of special memories with everyone I care about.

Generally speaking its the little things that I love the most. A random joke and giggling until you cant breath, impromptu cuddle with my sister watching a girly movie, staring contentedly into Codaniel's eyes, talking about nothing in particular.

I love how the random memories come back when your least expecting it. Having a chat with a friend and you suddenly go "Remember the time when..." and it results in more hysterical laughter!

So heres to creating many more memories! :D