What a year!

Wow. A year, a full year since it all happened. And WHAT a year its been.

When I think back to where I was this time last year. It's so weird. But you wanna' know something? It has been one of the best years of my life!

So different from the last time I was properly single. Back then I was figuring out me, doing a lot of thinking, growing up, learning. This time I just AM being me!

I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin, more independent, more confident than I have over the last 12 months. I've totally adapted an attitude of "This is me, I will do whatever I can for you, but I'm not changing for no-one" and I think it has served me well.

This year I wish I had kept track of the amount of people that commented on my strength of character. Now in the grand scheme of life, I have not had to cope with a huge amount. I see men and women more courageous than I can put into words at work every day, and I wouldn't dare compare myself to them. However I have had to be brave. And I've had to be tough. And I am proud with how I have coped. Because I didn't "cope" - I dealt with it. I spent a lot of time thinking, feeling, allowing myself to feel a very wide spectrum of emotions and that helped - it truly did. At no point did I feel ashamed of how I was feeling. When I felt the need to blow off steam and party with the girls - I did, and likewise when I needed to crawl into bed and cry for a few hours I did that too. Dealing with my emotions head on is not something I've always been great at, and I'm actually kinda proud of myself for doing it.

I've accomplished some amazing things this year too. From the mundane "every day" tasks like simply getting out of bed on some days, to the life changing experiences. I've lived alone - made a home for myself, I'm looking after two furry creatures, I've dealt with a load of crap at work and then pulled off some of the best events ever. I've made some amazing new friends, travelled back to America and even jumped out of a plane!

But most importantly, I've done them all by myself. I mean obviously I have friends and family around me. To be honest I would not have got through this last year without them. They have been my constants, my rocks and my saviours. But I have made the decisions and choices myself. Without having to consult or answer or explain to anyone. And because of that is why I've felt so happy. I'm independent and I'm strong and I'm ME!

I think its had a positive effect. I've done more flirting and been on more dates this past year than possibly in my whole life. Because I suddenly don't care any more. Not in that way....all I mean is I'm happy to have fun and a giggle without stressing out about "does he like me?" "what does this mean?" blah blah blah. I've just been me and it seems to have made me more attractive  Or at least more approachable - who knows? All I know is its been fun and I think my confidence has been a large part of it.

I've met up with old friends that I haven't seen properly in years and made some amazing memories! I've made new friends - people I would be so sad to loose from my life, but who probably wouldn't have come into it in the first place if this hadn't have happened.

When I think of where I could have been right now. Where my life could have been leading....jeez I shudder. I know that sounds awful and actually makes me a bit of a bitch, but when my friends look at me and tell me "you got a lucky break getting out of that one" - I have to agree with them. That in itself makes me a little sad, it would be nice to be able to look back with a bittersweet smile and think "It was a nice time and its a shame it ended" but that's not how it was allowed to end and so my memories of everything is now tainted. Meh - cest la vie!

The SATC theory holds true. It takes half the amount of time to heal yourself. 1 year on, I'm feeling pretty chipper. And really excited about what might be happening next actually ;) It's taken me a year to get to that stage and maybe its partly the situation and the people involved and maybe partly the timing but either way it looks to be working out pretty nicely.

Remember. Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Everything happens for a reason. And only you can decide how to deal with the curve balls life throws at you so make good choices.

 

Can you tell I've been a *little bit* addicted to Pinterest this year? Feel free to follow me on there!

PS. I would like to say a special thank you to all of my loved ones who have got me through this year. You did it, I have never felt more loved and cared for in my life than I have these 12 months. But in particular I want to thank Megs and Bryan. You guys where there for me literally as it happened. In the middle of planning the happiest day of your life - you looked after me. I know you might not think you did much, but in one short week you helped me break down, begin to heal and have my faith in love continued. I can never thank you both enough. You inspire me every day both individually and as a couple. I love you both to pieces and I don't think I could be writing this with such honesty if it wasn't for you. Thank You. 

Figuring things out...

Right now he should've been boarding a plane to begin a new life here. Instead I've fought to be added back on Facebook (or all things) so logistics and clear up of things can be arranged...oh how times change. 


But the thing is...I think I'm figuring something out. 


I knew you. I REALLY really knew you. I knew you better than I have ever known anyone in my whole life. The woman that values her friends and family above all else sometimes cant work out her own sister, or know when her best friend is hurting or why. But this woman knew every thing about you. Could always work out why you said what you said or did what you did...and not just "why" but the whole back story and thought process on it. 


I'm not sure if I ever even know that much about myself....


And thats on top of the selfless, unconditional love that I gave to him. I had always thought I knew about love. But I didnt. I learnt a lot with him. A lot about how loving someone is working together, giving and giving because you want to - not because your expected to or because you expect it back. But because by giving your all: your love and affection, kindness and passion to that person makes you happy because your being everything you can for them. Safe in the knowledge that it'll come back to you, but that not being the reason why. 


And I think now whats hurting me....is that instead of being proud of myself. Proud of allowing myself to grow and put someone else first, and love unconditionally and without selfishness...I'm hating myself. Hating that it was all for nothing, all wasted, and worst of all - probably all unappreciated. 


And I REALLY shouldnt hate myself. Its not my fault that you dont want it; dont want me. But I hate that I pride myself on my judgement of character, that I defended you so unrelentingly, (but also without needing to - I wasnt defensive, I just accepted and loved you for you and therefore everyone else did too) and I was so so wrong. 


Not wrong because it ended, or because of what you did. But for how your continuing to allow it to end. 


You meant so much to me, I always thought that you would hold onto a small piece of my heart. Not a big bit, not an important bit that would stop me moving on and loving someone else. But a small little corner would always be yours, and when occasionally my mind strayed to that corner, it would smile wistfully at everything that we shared, remember the good times and be thankful that they happened before carrying on with my life again. And I wanted that so that I knew that the love we had, and what I gave you was unconditional and selfless and meant something. 


But you've done so much and ended it so harshly over and over again, I cant even have that. I'll now always look back on the first time I loved someone so honestly and freely and truly with anger and hatred. Which flies clear in the face of what the love was. And that taints it more than your cruelty ever could.

I hope your happy with that. I hope your proud of your ability to damage and destroy even the most pure of things. You have the luxury of never doubting for a second that you were loved and cared for. You were told it every single day (even if you chose not to hear it) and in varying formats you've heard it consistenty since.  Whereas I am left to question and doubt everything I was, everything I gave and everything I was told. Thats not a nice position to be in. All I can say is I'm glad I'm strong and have amazing friends and family around me. Because it would have totally broken a lesser woman than me.

Here's to strong women, and having the power to not even let ourselves destroy us - let alone the men we gave our hearts to. 

Being Strong

Strength is a funny thing. All of us have the capability to be strong. When the going gets tough to find that inner courage to get you through the difficulties. The intelligence, creativity, inspiration, emotional upholding and general "Never quit" attitude that when you come out the other side makes you feel proud and alive and fulfilled.

But what about the strength to be weak? To admit when you need help? To ask for it? To say "I cant do this alone"?

Because admitting you need help is a whole other kind of strength. To put your faith and hope on someone else's shoulders and let them carry you, trusting that they wont drop you and help you through it.

What about when you don't have that person to turn to? Or when they (for whatever reason) arn't strong enough to help you.

What about when you stand screaming for help and they still don't realise how badly you need them? When they feel that you blame them for everything going wrong when really you just need something to blame and you wish they would ignore the yelling and see the pain going on inside.

Then what when they cant/wont help you? Admit that you need help but dont have anyone around? Or try and re-find that inner strength to keep going as you did before? Will that make you stronger in the long run or eventually lead to the cracks turning into fractures and completely tearing you apart?

What if after being strong for SO long, you don't know how to just let it go?

How do you find a different way to tell someone you need help, you need them, and your not as strong as they think you are when that's exactly how you told them and they still dont hear it?

And how many days can you call in sick to work to try and find a way to deal with it without getting fired?