On positivity

Often we go looking for inspiration, sometimes inspiration finds us from unexpected places and occasionally, just occasionally -we are fortunate enough to inspire ourselves.

I’m not going to lie, work has been tough lately. Not in any way I couldn’t cope with but very busy and occasionally stressful. And then on Friday I got some very bad work related news. A huge funding bid that I had slaved over, that I had co-ordinated a shed ton of work for, that a decent chunk of our income hinged on…was unsuccessful. We were gobsmacked, of course nothing is ever certain but we all felt pretty confident about this bid. A lot of people had a put a lot of hard work in and in all honesty, we hadn’t really imagined not getting it.

It didn’t hit me too hard at first. But what did hit me – in a very positive way – was the response of my colleagues. I had nothing but supportiveness and kindness. And that was humbling.

I don’t think I deal with anything in a “standard” way – it’s purely dependent on the circumstances. But the way I handled this on Friday was by trying not to take it too personally. And to know that I couldn’t change it, couldn’t even learn from it until we receive feedback in a week and so all I could do is take the best I could and focus on the small sliver of silver linings.

So I had the weekend to process it and began to worry slightly and then reminded myself that I couldn't change it, would learn from it in time – and to keep thinking about how to move forward.

This morning a colleague that wasn’t in on Friday expressed how sorry she was that we didn’t get the funding. Another colleague – someone brand new who also joined me in the pub on Friday, very sweetly said “you handled it brilliantly” as he walked past and overheard our conversation.  And that made me smile again.

This evening I stumbled across this old blog post.  I remembered writing it but barely remembered coming out with such little pearls of wisdom to myself. And I was struck with a brief moment of overwhelming inspiration. I saw the word ‘positivity’ and the neurones in my brain instantly flashed up the comment from my colleague this morning. And it got me thinking…

I am inherently a positive person. Even when dealing with sometimes frankly crap situations, I still try and bring myself back to that positive place. Because it is who I am. And to be honest that makes me so proud. And connecting that blog post with this current work situation reminded me why I am the type of fundraiser I am. And more so than that reminded me of one of the often forgotten reasons as to why I am SO proud to be a fundraiser.

And finally seeing Sid’s comments on my old blog post made me smile and remind myself not to lose that girl who wrote that blog post. Thanks Sid!

"Seriously though, you inspire me in many ways, I look up to you for your guts and you strength and hope to someday achieve that aura of positive energy you have around you. You manage to pull of that positive vibe without hitting on that religious cult like ‘Bright and shiny’ thing."

Days 20 - 26 (Bad blogger...)

So I have been an extremely bad blogger. Haven't blogged for nearly a week. I suck at this game! 

So here we go...massive blog post to catch up! :D

Day 20 – This month

This month has been a bit of a weird one. I moved out on a short term basis...for the sake of my sanity. It was a nice lil flat, I actually really liked it. Only problem was the price (because it was short term) so I ended up coming back home 10 days earlier than planned. 

When I get back from the States I plan on moving into my own place as soon as I can. 

This month was also my sisters 18th Birthday, Beccas visit and one month until I see my Codaniel again!

Day 21 – Another moment

Winning the Christmas pod decorating competition! 

At work there is a tradition where each lil pod of desks (each team) decorates them for Christmas and then theres a judging competetion. Me being the over the top, over-excitable person that I am, I was well excited about it. Especially as my team told me they never normally have time to plan anything and dont do much. 

So I had been planning ideas since September and the idea everyone liked was "Return to Sender". Because our team received a lot of returned mail and it was Christmas No 1 in 1962 (theres the Christmassy theme) we performed and everything!

I was really hoping we would win, although competition was fierce....and we did! Albeit a joint victory with the team that performed "The Nutcracker" but that was fair, as they'd won 2 years running and really wanted the hat trick.

Oh yeah and the prize? The wonderful paper mache turkey! 

Day 22 – This upsets me

Many things upset me. From the trivial (like soppy movies) to the big. I think the things that upset me the most is when my faith in things is challenged. I have great faith in the people I love. In how much I'd like to think they love and care about me in return. Especially with the people I have invested so much into. 

And to be a part of situations where you learn they perhaps didnt care as much as you thought they did truly upsets me. Realising they dont know you at all, dont value your thoughts or opinions or worse - feelings. Sometimes feeling like they dont even respect you as a human being 

I've been in this situation with "friends", friends, family, partners - you name it. And it hurts. It truly does. But then maybe this is the outcome of thinking the ones you love can do no wrong. Although at the same time theres a big difference between doing "no wrong" and disregarding you entirely. 

Day 23 – This makes me feel better

When your faith in humanity is then restored. Comments from a stranger, a loved one redeeming themselves. But most of all - hearing someone who truly loves me telling me they wish I didnt have to go through that. 

Hugs make me feel better too. I truly believe there is no problem in the world that cant begin to be solved by someone holding you. I think its because we revert to childhood a little bit. When a scraped knee or a lost toy could be made better with a cuddle. Being wrapped in someones arms makes us feel safe and loved. Secure - completely safe from the outside world. 

Its also the human contact thing. Makes us feel much less alone. 

This is why I love the "Free Hugs" campaign. I'd quite like to take part in one of those myself one day. 

Day 24 – This makes me cry

See Day 22....

Day 25 – A first

Hmmm...

My first job. I worked in Greggs. Greggs for those of you not in the UK is a chain of bakers. They sell sandwiches, pasties, cakes, donughts etc. And they're actually very cheap. Very "working class staple" :D

My friend Karen got me the job - bless her, I'm always greatful to her for that. We were only 6, both at college and wanting to eearn our extra money. It may've only been a Saturday job but I worked hard - proud to be earning my own money. I picked up extra shifts whenever I could fit it in around my college schedule. 

The first store I worked in with Karen was SO busy and run by right battle-axes. After a few months there I transferred to a different store. Further to travel for work but it was so worth it. The staff were lovely, my manager was an angel and I had so much fun working there. I was sad to leave, when I entered the word of fundraising. My manager tried to get me to stay, saying she could get me an assistant managers job and I could progress to manager really quickly. 

That was a big opportunity at age 18 but I decided I didnt want to be in retail my whole life. I needed a change. Maybe the managerial experience would've been beneficial but I made my choice. 

Day 26 – My fears

Fears. Actual phobias include needles, hospitals and doctors in general. I cant stand them! It stems primarily from having my first shot (in memory) at about age 7. It was a bit scary - as shots are to 7 year olds, but I got through it. However after I got back to my classroom (it was at school...and boy was our school nurse evil!) I started feeling really ill and ended up fainting in my teachers lap! 

I dont know if it was because of the injection, if I was ill or overheated or what. But since then I associate the two and its terrifying. I hate fainting. I've fainted more times than I can count in my lifetime! 

Although I'm getting better, I nearly passed out on the train the other day because I'd been ill and then was really overheated on the crowded commuter train. But I refused, point blank, and I managed not to. 

Still doesnt stop me hating needles though! I better get over it soon. Apparently if I move to the States I need to have somewhere close to 20 different inoculations! *Shudders*

(Thurs 16th) Day 14 – What was I wearing today?

Christmas party! Work Christmas party - Hoorah for Hollywood!

I did want to go in costume, like so many other people did. But I didnt have the time (or the budget) to put something together.

I was going to wear my Hollywood t-shirt that I got in Hollywood, a skirt and socks with red stars that I was going to write stars names on - walk of fame style. But the socks were really cheap and looked awful on..the stars wernt stars! So I gave up on that idea.

In the end my whole team all went in fancy dresses, general Red Carpet style so I went with my standard lil' black dress.

Which in the end, especially with the other girls on the team looking fabulous, we all looked pretty darn good if I do say so myself!

Day 06 – My day

Woke up at 7:30am as usually to call my baby. Was unbelievingly tired and therefore completely uncomprehensible. I still have no idea what we talked about!

Went to work, worked right through until 8:30pm tonight to get extra hours and extra £££ for America :D

Lunch was a bit meh although the amazing chocolate milkshake from Marks and Spencer was phenomenal! Had good giggle with Louisa at the end of the day over Charlie, kittens and death metal. Needless to say people do wonder what on earth we're on about when we go off on our random tangents! 

Had one of those rare "Hey - we are still all human!" moments on the tube. A girl glanced over at the newspaper being read by the guy next  to her. She was clearly looking for the same article in her paper, but couldnt find it. She was getting visibly more and more confused and becoming less and less subtle, almost leaning straight over his arm to examine his paper! It was so funny I couldnt help but giggle to myself which she then noticed and was slightly embarrassed but giggled at being caught. In  the end she just asked him straight out (strangers talking to each other on the tube?! Unheard of!) and it turned out he actually had Mondays paper! 

Ok maybe this is a small and inane anecdote but it really made me giggle!

Came home and realised I really need to clean the house for McBex's visit. Not that either of us mind the house not being show-home-esq but at the same time day old dishes and no clean towels is a bit of an extreme for a guest. Sooo I instantly tidied up and then relaxed on the phone to my baby, online and watching TV.

I fib. I started a tiny but of cleaning, got distracted by calling Codaniel and now am faced with doing dishes at midnight.....and WHY am I still online?

*Heads off to clean....groan!*

Damn the man!

So I've been thinking about jobs, working and careers. With all this thinking of options about me moving here, Codaniel moving to the UK etcetc I've thought a fair amount about what I would do if I move here.

Especially if I'm on a J1 Visa it would probably be something pretty standard. Retail or hospitality or something. Not that there is anything wrong with that in the slightest I was just thinking.

Since I was tiny all I could think was I wanted to be an actress. I wouldnt even consider any other career option. Until I was about 18 and I started thinking "Hmmm. Is this really what I want to do?" And I have no regrets about that being the only thing I'd been working towards my whole life.  I figured "Hey I'm 18 - I'll work out what I want to do"


So then I kind of fell into Fundraising (as most fundraisers do!) and worked really hard for the last 5 years to create a career of it. And I didnt really get very far. Someone I used to intern with is now a manager at a major charity, running one of the biggest events in the UK. And dont get me wrong I dont resent anyone else but it makes me sad that I didnt achieve anything anywhere near to that.


So on the one hand I want all I've ever wanted work wise, which is to succeed and  be talented and skilled in an area I enjoy.

But on the other hand I strongly believe in the philosophy "You work to live not live to work" Why should I be a slave to the man, working extra hours and stressing myself out to achieve a  "career" when I could work just as hard at a standard job that I can leave behind when I get home at the end of the day to spend time with my loved ones?


I dont know....maybe I shouldn't worry too much. Everything happens for a reason and I'm sure it'll all work out. I hope!

Catching up...

This is a quick post to apologise for being MIA. To be fair I have been travelling a fair bit and updates of those to follow. Second apology for flooding your feeder! hehe


Stresses are all sorted. Feel like a bit of a cry baby now to be honest "Wah my life is so difficult" Just shut up moaning Sarah!


Picking up stuff went fine. Bit weird but fine. I also wondered how the frick I had a) Accumulated so much stuff and B) Not missed it in the last 16 months! Oh well.


Doctors appointment went fine - Janna your an angel and I love you! I walked out of there after and exactly as Codaniel said I would I thought "What the hell was I making such a fuss about?"


Leaving work was...sad and weird. It wasnt a big deal as lots of people wernt in. But to be honest I'd rather leave quietly...with a suitcase full of 2 years worth of tat. (Again HOW did I accumulate so much stuff???)


Still got quite a few things to do for the trip but its ok...because I have a list! And when you have a list you can conquer the world!


Speaking of conquering the world the positive thoughts of the Lexily can also do the same, I just want to put out all the positive energy and *huggles* for those and their families that need the right now. I'm thinking of you.


Ok on to tales of Rock Gods, strange German people, seas of plaid and fine days for kestralling! Hehe

It's good to talk

Right, so what random ramblings are going round in my head today?

It's good to talk. Seriously it is. I think sometimes we can get far to lost in our own heads. The smallest of things can be blown up into all manner of over the top proportions and over exaggeration by our synapses.

Like last night I was getting myself into such a tizz about the daftest thing. In fact it wasnt even a thing - there was no problem. But such is the inner workings of my mind all I could think was "blah blah blah!" Anyway walking to the station with Kirsty, had a bit of a rambling rant and immediatly felt better. The more I was saying stuff out loud the more ridiculous I realised I was sounding. This combined with Kirsty being possibly one of the worlds best listeners and always knowing what to say really helped! I left the office with my brain being all fried and got to the tube smiling and forgetting about my "non-problem"

Anyways point is - dont allow yourself to get lost in your head. Human beings are designed to be communicative. We need to let all that shit pour out of our heads and ideally into the arms of a friend who can ball it up and throw it away. And then we feel better. Promise.

Which is why I am always here to listen. I know that more often than not you wont need a response or a solution or even a reason to why your feeling like that - you just need to unload. Feel free to come to me to unload whenever you want. Promise!

Hehe my sister did just that today and I could tell how much better she felt after getting everything off her chest. I love my little sister! (I wonder if she reads this? hehe)

I had something else I was going to witter on about....oh yeah!

I've worked out why I procrastinate so much at work. Its because it requires me to think. I know that sounds daft but to sit at a desk and have to write a letter or a plan or web copy or something else that requires a spark of creativity is really frickin hard if your not in that frame of mind. Now I know there are a lot of talented people out there (many of whom I know read this blog!) who have this amazing capability to write. I always need to work hard to make my brain focussed unless I'm feeling particullarly inspired. And I normally feel most like writing when I feel like I'm speaking to someone. Hence epic length posts and blog entries.

I'm not a slack worker. When I did jobs where I had to "do" something (serve food, take tickets etc etc) I worked my damn ass off. And when I have a task I need to "do" at work I like clearing out the stock cupboard or such I relish it. I like being physical and having something to do with my hands. Maybe its because I have so much energy at the moment. I bet when I come back from America and end up working in retail or something I'll be wishing I was back behind a desk with the chance to be creative.

As a good friend says to me:

The glass is always greener on the other slide!

And on that note I'm off to attempt to stop procrastinating.

Much love people!

Boredom, Being Human annnnd more bliming snow!

So back at work today. Thought I better attempt to make the effort to be in the office. Especially as my friend Lady Lishu Bug (as she will now be known) was back in today and us and Kirsty got to swap very belated xmas prezzies. Thanks for the choccies Lis - they were scrummy! 

The work Secret Santa prezzies are still sitting in a box on my desk. We'll get round to it eventually...

Work is boring and crap and boring again. I have nothing to do. Which is annoying because there is technically stuff to do - we have £1.4million to raise this year. But because the Chief Exec in his infinite wisdom has decided not to let us in on the fundraising plans no-one knows what the frick they're meant to be doing. Joy.

I bet some people think "Omg, ranting on about work - what if someone reads it?" Well the short answer is (and this is for the benefit of anyone who shouldn't do stumbling across this blog) I dont care! :-D This is a personal blog and I can say what I like. I'm not saying the name of where I work so its not like I can be sued for slander or similar (although is it slander if its true? Lol). Anyway for anyone reading this who shouldnt be "Got a problem with anything I say? Come and talk to me about it - you know where my desk is!"

Any suggestions for things to do at "work" once you've basically looked at Facebook's entire Flair collection, posted on the Lex, updated your blog and checked your email?

 

Maybe this is how I should catch up with Wide Awake? Can I cope with the lemons whilst at work though...probably not!

Talking of which I'm waiting on a quote from our printers to see what it would cost to print after the lovely Pharmer supplied us lucky lucky Lexlings with the PDF he's been working on!

Exciting if its not too expensive.

Fun in the snow!

• Snow ball mid flight
• Me and Alaya
• Our snow caterpillar - his name is Fred
• 5 scary looking snowmen and women on Wanstead Flats

Being Human Premier

This was the premier of Season 2 at the Curzon Cinema. My friend Lia won tickets and took me! (THANK YOU Lia!)

It was so much fun. Sadly didnt meet the cast afterwards athough they did hang around. Another time hopefully...

Anger

Ok, so I think the universe is testing me. There's me speaking about positivity and not sweating the small stuff and work throughs me the biggest curveball of a stressful day. And I'm not even there! I'm at home ill. But its our big event tommorow and so there was a load of stuff that I had to do.

Which ironically I wouldnt have had to do if people kept their noses out and stopped keep thinking they know better than me.

I hate my job. I feel that no-one trusts me to do what I'm meant to do. Everyone thinks events organisation and fundraising is so easy, anyone can do it. Well if thats the case you'll be just fine when I leave wont you? And I am leaving. I've been wanting to leave for a quite a while. I'm complelty undervalued as an employee and a person but I was being sensible and not leaving until I have a new job. But now I cant stand it. I think I'm going to hand my notice in this week. My family reckon I should milk them for whatever I can, go on sick leave or something. But as pissed off as and as badly as they've treated me they are still a charity and I couldnt do that. It would ultimatly damage the work we do with young people.

It really makes me feel so negative about myself and what I do though. Why doesnt anyone trust me? I wonder this frequently. Is it because I'm young? Because I didnt go to Uni? Because they think the subject matter doesnt need someone with expereience - anyone can do events/fundraising?

I try my hardest to remember that its probably not any of the above its that there are cerain people in my organisation that behave like children and this is part of the childish behaviour. But regardless I hate it.

Im not claiming to be an expert but I work hard at what I do and would like to think people would at least consult me rather than going off and doing their own thing and chucking it on me (wrong) later.

Argh I dont know. Fingers crossed my next job, wherever I go will value me for my work. Very much going to be a 2 way interview I think.

Picture of the day:

Stress is not good for my hair :)