When you've cried, and hurt, and ached for so long, you eventually get to a point where you begin to question "What was the point?" "Was the X amount of time spent so happy that I danced everywhere, worth the Y amount of time feeling like I couldn't even get out of bed in the morning."
And at some point after asking you have to realise: Yes. Yes it was. Because if something can make you so happy that you sing at work, run home, do dishes to pass the time - take up running, quit your job, wakes you up in the morning with goofy smile on your face, and true understanding of the saying "I'd rather be awake and fixing a problem than sleeping apart" kind of happy, then yeah it was worth it. Life's all about the rough with the smooth and the karma. And sometimes its not as obvious and black and white as this but sometimes it is. The same person that made you joyously happy can crash your world.
But when it does, you just have to try (as hard as it may be) at some point to begin dusting yourself down and thinking about what the whole thing has taught you. Because it will have done. Maybe not huge, enlightening, epiphany life changing lessons. But during any experience - good or bad - we learn. It's one of our base human needs, to crave and absorb knowledge and information.
And especially if your someone like me you crave knowledge about human interactions, life, and growth.
So what have I learnt over the last two years or so? Through this whole thing beginning to end. Lets think about this:
* I learnt that alcohol is really not that big a deal to me. I can take it or leave it very easily and I don't need drink to have fun - even if everyone else is drinking. This is very comforting to me. Looking at the house I grew up in,and how much I drank at a young age this is very refreshing and "safe" to know. When I first stopped, although I knew I was strong enough to do it for him - I wondered how much it would bother or affect me. I can honestly say it didn't one bit. So now I can enjoy a drink when I want to, safe in the knowledge that (hopefully) it should never be a problem for me.
* I learnt a hell of a lot about addiction. And even having grown up with it, talking to people, talking first hand to the addict....I learnt that nothing can prepare you for just how far they can fall and how blinded they are to it. I still don't know a hell of a lot. But I learnt it's definitely not black and white, and that there's only so much you can do.
* I learnt how to accept someone 100%, past and all, faults and all. I went into this with a "Nothing will shock me" attitude - even before we got together, when I was a comforting shoulder. I wanted to be there, to be that rock that I could see he so badly needed. Maybe that was part of some overall issues. I'm not going to deliberate on that now. Bottom line is, I discovered just how much I could put myself to one side when I need to, and when I believe someone is worth it. When someone calls me selfish, or when my walls are caving in because I feel like that's all I ever am - I need to try and hold onto this and apply it more.
* Linked in with that was learning just what it means to love someone unconditionally. I've loved before, I'm not ashamed to say that. But there was always an element of selfishness. Of me knowing best, and everything being done my way. Not that this was perfect, but for the first time I truly saw with unclouded eyes how to be selfless and unconditional in my love. Which is why I guess it hurts so much that it was the opposite of this is what I was told of why it went so wrong. I need to remember that whilst there may be an element of truth in that (because no-ones perfect) I need to hold onto the realisations I had within my own self about love and what it really means to love and sacrifice for someone.
* I learnt just how much I can really know someone. Even now, when I don't know who you are any more, I see reasons, logic, emotions and thought processes behind your actions. Although you'd deny them I'm sure, I will hold true to the times when you looked at me in amazement at just how much insight I had into your head. And I won't forget how I did that. I listened.
* I discovered that even when I'm getting nothing back - to keep telling someone the truth, and how you feel. They may not want to hear it, let alone reciprocate. But when all is said and done - I can walk away safe in the knowledge that I did everything I could to make sure that human being knows just how fucking loved they were. If they didn't or can't do the same - that's on their conscience not mine.
* I learnt that I am not co-dependent or have a need to be with someone 24/7. A LDR is very refreshing in that way. Before the idea of not seeing someone everyday was out of the question. In my next relationship I will be secure and happy enough to not have to see him every single day. I know how nice it is to hold onto your own individuality, space, friends and interests.
* I found out just how good I am at travelling alone. At looking after myself. Although I did also learn that it really sucks to have no-one drop you off or meet you at an airport.
* I'm learning that I am actually not as hateful or vindictive as I act like I am. There's a lot of things I could have done or said since. A lot that many people are saying "I would've". And I'm saying "No I'm not that petty" - true. But also just because you were happy enough to hurt me - doesn't mean I have to be cruel enough to hurt you on every whim.
* I have limits on what I will accept and can stick to them even when all I wanted to do was say "Its ok forget about it -its not important". It was important, I knew it, and it hurt, but I stuck to my guns. And I'm proud of myself. And I'd like to think my mum is too for what I did and said. As would my nan be if I could ever tell her without running the risk of her setting her East End Mafia to start an international incident :)
* I discovered that its ok to say "I'm not ok". I still have trouble verbalising it, but I'm getting better. I'm still not ok - not even close yet. But I'm better than I was, and I will be.
* I learnt just how strong I am and can be. I'm still here, I'm still smiling, and I'm not afraid to love again with everything that I have to give. You didn't break me completely. Just took me out of commission for a while.
He didn't want to hurt you, and he was never happy about having done so. Maybe you don't see it, but you just MAY have said things so hurtful, such blatant attacks on everything he ever thought to be worthwhile about himself, that the message which came across was not "you are so fucking loved" but "you are a piece of shit for realizing we weren't meant for each other, and I intend to point that out at every possible juncture, so that the slow healing I am undergoing is just flat out denied to you."
ReplyDeleteYou loved him, and he loved you. But you were neither one of you able to be what the other seemed to expect or need you to be. But he hurts everyday still, a pain he refuses to relinquish for the simple fact that it keeps you alive in his heart, prevents you from slipping away entirely. When simple attempts at casual IMing manage to escalate into scathing rebukes, the comfort of the immedicable ache in his breast allows him to remember just how real you were, and just how much he was able to love you.
He is sorry that you hurt, but he can't endure the seeming disdain and hatred with which you seem to view him, so he keeps his distance and watches from afar, cherishing the bittersweet memories and wishing you both could have grown enough, been willing to compromise enough, to solidify what you had together rather than repeatedly sabotaging each other, however subconsciously or inadvertently.
Anyway, he just thought you should know that.
He doubts he'll ever stop thinking about you, and has no intention of trying. To him, thoughts of you are indistinguishable from the involuntary reflex of breathing. There's just no escaping it, for it keeps you alive.
He wishes you the best and is glad that you at least took something worthwhile from what the two of you shared, even if that was a string of intermittently unpleasant revelations about yourself and your capabilities.
He'd better stop here, before he loses all desire to express himself again. He only came here to try and write a blog of his own, but the universe being the funny creature it is, he ended up here instead.
Perhaps he needed to hear the things you had to say.